After around 60 rejections from literary agencies, and after approximately 60 minutes of my heart breaking, (the first 60 seconds of each rejection were the worst, and each was equally painful)…. After a number of people in various forums, saying writing a ‘screenplay book’, like mine, would never sell, as it’s just too weird…… After a lot of time (more time than I care to share) not knowing what I should do with my life, exactly… Success, I got an offer! Have a read of this…. Let me just get it for you…. I wonder where it could be…. Being the modest man that I am, I’ve completely forgotten where to find it… Ah, here it is… My email I got from Kindle, here’s what it says…
‘Thank you for submitting ONE SCREWY WEEK which seems very impressive indeed.’ Ahhhhh, fuck yes. It continues… ‘This certainly seems to be not only a very well written book, but also one which is highly suitable for publishing in the Kindle medium’. Highly suitable? But everyone said it was a freak of a work that didn’t belong anywhere! Well…. Maybe it won’t fit in amongst a whole load of traditional books, written by people who actually know how to write prose. (Yep, I don’t). Despite the wonderful comments, I still have no idea how it will sell. However, at the moment, I’m still pleased as Punch, that evil wife beater. I’m so pleased in fact, I’m going to quote that email, again. ‘Very impressive indeed’. Wow.
As the merciful and benevolent Gods of self-publishing, Kindle, liked my book so much, I decided to send them my first work, ‘The Danger of Proverbs’, as well. It’s not as good as OSW, as it has a weird structure in five acts, (not the more normal three), and was written with very little planning. It also arguably has way too many characters, and even the main one, Sir George, doesn’t really appear in it that often. As I said, it’s strange. Or…. does it just push the boundaries of literature? Hm. Sounds like I’m getting smug, doesn’t it? Well, I’m not. To celebrate my at least possible success, I ate a meatloaf. However, I found it to be rather shallow and pedantic. (That was a Family Guy reference, btw).
Ok, so I didn’t eat meatloaf, or indeed listen to him. I did however, celebrate with cheap wine. Having bought myself a fine wine for Christmas (at around £35), I can tell you that there is little difference between expensive and inexpensive. I did notice a difference, sure, but not a difference that is worth £30. How did I get from books to wine? Oh, you got me. I have no idea what else to write. How about I end with a joke, I made up? Here goes… ‘Have you ever heard of asexual reproduction?’ ‘Why?’ ‘Because I want you to go fuck yourself’. Please note, the joke was NOT aimed at you, or indeed anyone. However, it is a funny thought that there may be a blogger out there, who wants all his audience to leave him alone, forever. It’s an idea, I could make a sitcom about…. Hm….