You know how in ‘Oxford Circus Part 3’, I said that three women randomly started following me and Joe around? Turns out, they were paying for Joe’s confidence training class. That explains why they seemed to give up three hours of their day for little reason. Not only this, I assumed they were all on holiday. ‘What kind of shitty plans do you have for your stay, if you have nothing better to do than compliment other people’s shoes?’ I thought to myself. ‘What’s wrong with the London Eye?’ Compounding that misunderstanding, you may remember I joked about them having to pay cash for the seemingly ‘free’ information they received. I didn’t realise it at the time, but no one had any idea what I was going on about. That makes clear why I didn’t get a laugh. I presume the customers were thinking ‘but the buying of services always works by giving money…’ It was only after I showed Joe my blog, I was informed that the trio were clients. Whoops.
But today, wasn’t going to be a day like that. Today was going to be insightful and I was going to have a crystal clear understanding of everything around me. With me since leaving home, I had my scripts in a bag for the Comedy Writers actors, to read out. This made me feel sensible, so it seemed things were already going well. Once I arrived and as I was waiting for my friend, I planned to have some food. I simply couldn’t bring myself to eat at the condemned Italian restaurant, because yes, I made fun of them twice, although arguably not brutally. I know I’m easy to read, so I wouldn’t exactly get approval from them. But then again, if they can’t keep time properly, what else do they screw up? I have a point, don’t I? These people do need to have a long hard look at themselves, before someone dies. So what DID I eat then? A chicken wrap! My favourite of all the meats. But why does chicken never taste good on pizza? Never mind.
After that small meal, I met up with Joe and another of his victims, I mean customers. What followed, was more praise for other pedestrian’s traits and clothes, etc. This was in a potent three pronged attack. I was random before, so how could I top my ‘nice shoes’, line, I hear you ask? Well, by complimenting things that didn’t exist. ‘Nice wheels!’ I said, over and over. I got no reactions, but this time I knew the reason - I was being weird. What will I do in the future to be even more extreme?… Who knows? Coming up next, was the theoretical discussion part of the course, given in a shop. Everything from the human brain to meditation was talked about. However, practicing meditation was impossible, because of the deafening drilling outside. Perhaps this was for the best. Three men eerily staring off into the distance would look kind of strange, and it wouldn’t be good for business. Not long after that the customer had to go, filled with knowledge.
Me and Joe were back in the streets again, and a new musician was encountered every one hundred meters or so. The one that stood out the most, was an Asian guy mindlessly playing the UK’s national anthem. He was doing so, over and over again with a comatose, apathetic expression on his face. That was pretty funny. He could well have been a robot, in fact. From this point on, nothing too out of the ordinary happened. This is my fourth blog on the Oxford Circus adventures, and being interesting about the same old stuff is difficult. Knowing this at the time, I had to do something absurd. Maybe I could get a Jehovah’s Witness to read my comedy sketch? Na. Maybe I’d find something engaging to write about, in the next shop we were heading to…
Nope. But this time, not being engaging was for the best. In front of me as I sat, was a salt shaker, a pepper shaker and a sugar shaker. What is the significance of this? Well, not long ago I was in a cafe, and I ordered a burger and chips. However, when I tried to add salt to my food I found SUGAR came out! AARGH, ruined! I have never forgotten about this moment. Now, was the chance for payback! I could have so easily contaminated the condiments with each other, but I thought to myself, ‘Simon, you’re 28 years old. This is not appropriate behaviour for a man of your age. Why don’t you make notes for your blog, instead?’ So that’s what I did. Whilst doing this, Joe kept asking me how I felt, as this was a key feature of his course (that I DEFINITELY was getting for free), but I declined to answer. All I had to say was ‘I’m feeling mental, having commented on things that don’t exist’, and I didn’t feel the need to elaborate on that.
That didn’t really matter though, as it was soon time for me to go to my meeting. Good news! I only had to get on one train to get to London Bridge! How about that? Not only that, my script went down well, and I got lots of laughs. This was although I dealt with the tricky subject matter of people being force fed maggots. The room was divided on whether such gruesomeness was amusing, but fortunately most thought it was. Freaks. I also heard a full 36 minute sitcom being read out, which was entertaining. It arguably didn’t push the boundaries like mine did, which was a disappointment, but I guess that’s because his work was more family friendly. Still, though. High on narcissistic supply, I eventually left for home. Byeee!