A new blog set in Oxford Circus! Here we go! So….. One of the first things I noticed when entering London, was a woman wearing a white mask. ‘Is there something I should know?’ I thought. However, I didn’t see anyone else doing the same for the whole day, so I assume I have nothing to worry about, health wise. At the very least, I didn’t notice my or anyone else’s hair falling out, so that’s something, and I don’t think airborne plague is a thing. Why was I in the city? I was supposed to be meeting someone, I will only call ‘person O’ (because that’s what his name rhymes with), but he was apparently late, so I just missed him. God dammit, O. Never mind, I found somewhere relaxed to hand write my blog draft, so it wasn’t a waste of a day. I’m now going to go ‘in the past live’, so you can read my work, as I wrote it. How about that, eh?
Here I am in John Lewis, high up in the furniture section and trying to blend in. As I have no intention of buying the table I’m sitting at, this isn’t as straightforward a task as I would like. Every now and then, I see seemingly wise to me staff members, and I don’t know what to do. Hopefully I’m a case that goes beyond their training, and I won’t get thrown out. Excellent, some patrons are measuring ‘my’ temporary workspace. Maybe I can pretend to be with them, even though they don’t look like they want to talk to me. Oh, they’ve gone. Oh well, I haven’t been asked to leave yet, so maybe I’ve made it. But then again, maybe the workers have called for backup and are planning to unleash the gun toting karate employees. Just in case, I have a few excuses ready: 'I’m just writing on the table (well, not ON the table, but you know what I mean), to check its texture for working on'. That could show I’m a genuine, keen customer. Thank God there is no graffiti of penises on the thing, or I would be the number one suspect.
Another idea is to say I’m a product reviewer. Unfortunately, I’m doing a lot more thinking than writing, so it wouldn't look like I’m a hard working critic. I’ve also sat by the same four-legger for quite some time. ‘What is the world of table reviewing coming to?’ everyone might be thinking. Alternatively, maybe they think I’m being very philosophical; I could be like ‘why is this furniture here, and does it have the same rights as I do?’ THAT would need some hard pondering. So in case I get asked, the table then. It’s a nice table, I guess. Very wooden. A classic material, but maybe a bit of a cliche? That’s all I can think of, really. I think it’s time to leave, as it’s getting more crowded and I’m feeling awkward. Let’s continue this entry in the London Comedy Writers meeting room, where I will be very early. Therefore, the place should be empty. But hang on… What is the background music all about in Mr. Lewis? I’ve just noticed it hasn’t really changed from a very short loop. It’s really hypnotic. Maybe the reason I haven’t been asked to get the hell out, is because everyone is in a trance. I wonder how suggestible the staff are… Time to experiment? Na, I’ll just go.
So here I am, somewhere else… What to say this time? I guess I have a new you know what to contemplate as I sip my beer, and eat my chocolate. I mean I might as well. This desk is richer and darker, which I admire, but to be honest, it doesn’t really stir up any strong feelings in me. Certainly no anxiety or depression, which I like. In contrast, no euphoria, however. As you may have spotted, I don’t really know what I’m talking about, so I think it best to move on. Unsurprisingly, I didn’t do so well in DT at school as physical objects never interested me. I have an idea… Go in the pub downstairs and jump across the room. I still haven’t done that yet, and I regret not doing so 2 weeks ago. If I get questioned about my unhinged behaviour, I could blame it on all the chocolatey sugar. Yes, I could claim I’m diabetic on an ultra sugar rush… Although… what if I get injected with insulin? As I don’t need it, would the dose end up killing me? Getting inspired for new material simply isn’t worth me dying. I don’t want to be the blogger equivalent of GG Allin, and I certainly don't want to progress to blogging whilst pooing on people. Don’t know what I’m talking about? Good. Keep it that way. I think I will leave things here, as the meeting will be starting soon.