So, so, so… Remember in blog 60, where I talked about writing for an online woman’s comedy magazine? What’s coming up is the joke review and its introduction, that I came up with for it. I’m not sure if it will be posted there however, as I mention Cadbury’s Cream Eggs. Maybe I could run into some legal issues. Even so, I’m going to post the entry on my page as I’m going all Chris Evans and anarchic…
… Here you go…
People often say things like ‘that band has sold out’, when whatever group it is aim for a larger audience and change their sound. That’s what people said to Metallica when they released their ’Load’, for example. I don’t think that was selling out, though. I mean not really. I’LL show you selling out… (This is for any advertising companies reading this post, who are looking for employees. I’m your man). So, the completely voluntary review for the ultra-delicious, even life-changing Cadbury’s Cream Egg. First thoughts: Nice wrapping paper. Bright yellow and blue colours that evoke positive feelings. The logo however is written in gold, but the colour isn’t overused and pretentious. I like that. Admirably, Cadbury’s also use the colour red on their sweet coverings, presumably as a subconscious warning that too much of the snacks will cause diabetes. Respect. They didn’t have to do that.
As for the taste, a whole lot is going on. On the outside, is that classic chocolate we all know and love. Is it first rate quality better than the best chocolate, places like Belgium has to offer? Errrrr….. Sure, why not. Moving quickly on, did you know that cocoa is good for you? Ok, great. Ok, in the inside of the top notch shell is that sugary cream. It’s not too thick, it’s not too runny, it’s just right. Ever had a watery milkshake? How did it make you feel? Did it make you feel valued, or just like your sense of taste didn’t matter? The latter, right? Cadbury’s CARE about your taste buds, and it shows. It’s as if they’re doing us all a favour, but what have they asked from us, eh? What have they asked from us? Exactly. I feel it my duty to promote these guys, as they are no less than Gods.
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… Alright, that’s the review done I think. So yeah, if you have any work for me promoting your products, or even just mocking your rivals in a funny way (e.g., ‘I’d rather eat thorns that Thornton’s’, or whatever) please get in touch. I also write funny jokes that can be either positive or self-deprecating. For example ‘a life without chocolate is a life half lived. A life with too much chocolate is a life half lived’.
Other than practice sucking up, what else have I done recently? I applied for a job where people write jokes on a range of random subjects. As I heard about the work from a respected English site saying all nationalities could apply, I naturally assumed that to be the case. I read through the ridiculously hard to understand terms and conditions, concentrating hard. If you are unfamiliar with that kind of writing here is a normal sentence: ‘We are not responsible for any viruses you may be infected with on our site’… And here is a TaC version: ‘We (that is ‘us’, ‘ourselves’ and ‘our beings’) are not, not, not, not, not culpable for any electronic pathogens that you or your concept of you may be contaminated with on our group of connected web pages. (Or are we?)’ Anyway, after reading the borderline gibberish, it seemed that English people weren’t allowed to apply. Of course, it wasn’t put anywhere near that simply, so I wasn’t completely sure what was being said. I emailed the company to get some clarification, and they confirmed that it was just for Americans. God dammit. Why couldn’t that have been said earlier? Still, something to write about.
Tragically, as I am writing this up I am feeling a bit groggy. That is almost certainly because I have been indulging in the hobby I call ‘extreme sleeping’. That is, sleeping with the window open in freezing weather. Ever thought going to bed was dull? It’s not when staying warm in your covers is a huge effort. No, no, that is quite exciting. You sometimes hear on the news tramps sleeping in the street and the reporter going, ‘this is terrible!’ I on the other hand, think ‘lucky them.’ Each to their own, and all that. Even so, it’s time for me to stop doing all that and recover. Part of my recovery is… GBK milkshake! But I said I wouldn’t write too much more about them, so I won’t. It will get slurped up, though, don’t worry. Alright I’m going now…
I’m back! Is milkshake medicine? No, it’s not. As I explained, that’s all I will say on the matter. So, so, so, now what to write about? I guess I should really be taking this opportunity to talk about the risks of extreme sleeping further, (or ‘ES’ as those in the know call it) as yes, yes, yes, I’m still not better. Quite the opposite. Thus, I’m really regretting doing it, now. NEVER do ES if you’re feeling ill, are elderly or have access to shelter and central heating. Basically, never do it in general unless you’re fully prepared to face the consequences of ‘BS’. No, not bull shit, ‘BORING SLEEPING’. As in going to sleep feeling like poop and not having fun whilst trying to conquer the evil bacteria and such. That’s what I will be doing for the next few minutes. (Or maybe just boring relaxing, which is of course, the milder version). Byeee!
ES was a bad idea. However, don’t think I didn’t follow that up with ANOTHER bad idea. After my micro-chill out, I cycled to the gym whilst slightly ill in the cold. You think that made me feel any better? Certainly not physically, but to be fair, kind of mentally. It was a weird feeling I had when I got home feeling both invigorated and sick. I’m not exactly throwing up though, so I could be worse. About a year and a half ago, I remember filling half a bin full of spew, but at least that wasn’t my fault. Ok, it was a little. What can I say, I need to get out the house or I will go mad. I’m giving off mixed messages, there, aren’t I? Alright, I admit it, I don’t know what hell is going on with me. I think I’ll continue this blog tomorrow, with a clear head. Eyb b b b b!
My word, I don’t know what came over me, there. I’m feeling better and more composed, but not completely, so will I go to the gym later? Hmmm…. It would be a risk, so I’ll get back to you on that one. I’ve just come back from the barbers and my hair is looking significantly less mop-ish. However, now my head feels the cold more and that puts me at risk of illness that little bit extra. Well, that was the theory, but having googled ‘are people with short hair more at risk of flu?’ I found no articles exploring that question. I’m clearly overthinking.
A long period of unproductive under-thinking followed that last sentence, and that didn’t inspire anything within me. You can’t win, can you? Ohhh, I know what to talk about: New pound coins! Aren’t they shiny? I bet forgers were annoyed when their old coins were made redundant along with the real ones. Apparently, there are already new forgeries already in circulation, though. ‘Oh for fuck’s sakes’ all around for those working in finance, I’m sure. Why didn’t they make the money harder to copy? Here’s a thought: Have the phrase ‘all people who counterfeit money are doofuses’ written on the sides of the cash. Would YOU want to replicate that kind of stuff? If so, where’s your self-respect? Got you thinking, right? So, if you’re looking to hire someone who can give sound economic advise, I’m your… Oh, never mind. I’m going to the shops to get me some food…
Mmm, they were some good fruits. I’ve been told by my doctor a while ago (not related to my Wintery shuteye habits) to eat more of them, and I’m having a great time on them. I’m not going to eat much more though, as I’m going to an Italian restaurant with my family later. I would have mentioned that earlier, but I wasn’t sure if it was going to happen. Now it’s been confirmed, going to the gym looks unlikely, as I don’t want to get worse, cough on people and infect everyone. ‘Simon Wiedemann: Biological Menace’ the newspapers would say. Not what I want. Do you think I’m rambling? I am! I have a few hours to kill, and don’t really know what to do. I guess some editing would make sense. I’m assuming I will type up the dining out experience tomorrow, and will post my blog after that…
For the last time in this blog, I’m back… The food we all ate was perfectly reasonable (it was no Papa John’s), but always at the back of my mind, was the thought: ‘What will Ant and Dec’s Saturday Night Takeaway be like? It’s a shame to miss it’. Furthermore, is the show still called by that name, now that Ant has been charged with drink driving and been sacked? ‘Dec’s Saturday Night Takeaway’ just doesn’t have the same ring to it. And do people usually get takeaways whilst alone, or in the company of others? I would have thought the latter. Therefore, the name ‘Dec’s Saturday Night’ could be more appropriate, especially as I'm sure the man wouldn't be in the mood for binge eating. Again, not too much of an intriguing title. An even more extreme name would be just ’Saturday Night’, if Dec decided to quit the show because he missed his co-presenter, but that wasn’t to be the case. Anyway, did anything interesting happen at the foodery? Not really. Drink, starter, main course, desert. Pretty standard, though arguably better than satisfying my curiosity. That’s for next week. I still have time as there is one more episode of ‘Ant’ and Dec’s Saturday Night whatevs. Excellent stuff. B y e y b e ee b y!