Last year as all benign and criminal cyber stalkers of me know, I did a superblog on Eurovision 2017. I like to think of it as… worthwhile. Do people go through my site reading my old stuff? I hope so. But not even I do that, and I’m somewhat of a narcissist. But forget about that, now it’s time to blog about the 2018 contest. Will it reach superblog status? Only time will tell. For now, all I know is I’m going to give a very brief summary of all contestants, but maybe I’ll throw in some completely unrelated stories for good measure. Let’s go!
Albania is first to get analysed as I’m going through the music videos in alphabetical order. Ok, this one is an old school, classic pop rock song. The video sure is cheap, they even cut costs (as many did last year in various ways) by making it black and white. ‘But the lack of colour’s supposed to be stylish!’ I bet the producers said. Bullshit. It’s like when I said to my history teacher ‘I didn’t colour my picture in, because it was based on the past!’ Actually, I couldn’t be bothered. I still got away with it, though. In fact, I even got a reply of ’good point’.
Armenia: Ahhh, colour. Even a smoke machine is used. Pop music mixed with jungle beats and rock guitar? It’s a musical fusion masterpiece.
Australia: My faith in Australia dwindled ever so slightly after the decline of the now awful Neighbours. ‘Don’t give up!’ the lyrics go in this tune. It’s ok, I’m not THAT upset, just hire better writers. Anyway, about the music: Just another standard pop song. Meh.
Austria: What is this black and white nonsense again? Austria’s supposed to be a rich country, I googled it. (That’s the last time I’ll mention budget. I know I’m repeating myself, as I did last year in the same way in fact, but come on, at least try). So, is this video a subtle and subconscious warning of another recession? It could be, the music’s certainly depressing. Oh, colour is added. Nope, gone again. Still, they have the edge over Albania, at least for a few seconds.
Azerbaijan: ‘I’m stronger than cannonballs’ the lyrics go. If that’s really true, why the fixation on flowers and party balloons? Can you imagine if the sailor warriors of the past painted those things on their ammo, whilst claiming THEY were strong as they most likely did? Wouldn’t make sense, would it? The song isn’t really anything special. I’ve kind of already forgotten it, once again.
Five country breather concerning… meaningless language in personality tests! Every now and then, I like to take online tests, about meee. Some however, are better than others. There is one short exam out there that claims to sum you up by the way you draw a spiral. Apparently, if you draw from the outside to the inside, you have different traits than if you draw from the inside to the outside. However, the two analysises… analyseas… ana… well whatever, the two analywhatnots are exactly the same, but worded differently in a highly vague way. I’m not proud of it, but when I don’t really know what I’m talking about, that’s the way I write. Take for example this music review segment: ‘the singing is far from threatening. In fact it is sometimes even a tiny little bit on the angelic side. Relatively speaking. In a way’. Not so different. And yes, I really did publish that. -_- Back to business!
Belarus: Why is this guy trying to set fire to his tongue? And how does that fit in with lyrics? It IS a love song, right? Might be better off in a black metal band.
Belgium: This one sounds like it could be a James Bond theme. Maybe it’s a tiny bit cliched, but the melodies here are a lot better than the previous ones. On another note, I’ve been to Belgium many years ago. It was a very strange place, filled with misplaced, angry Scottish people but maybe that was a one off.
Bulgaria: A nice and dreamy one. Still boring though. Was the film made using iMovie on a Mac? Only the producer and those familiar with the program will know.
Croatia: Here we have a song called ‘Crazy’. I wouldn’t go that far. At least there aren’t any half-hearted self immolation attempts. And the music isn’t crazy, either. Kind of boring.
Cyprus: More arsonists! (This time successful). What is the world coming to?
Ten country breather! Down-tuned 6 string guitars, then 7 string guitars, then 8 string guitars. When will the madness end? Here’s something that has been on my mind for a while: Do the equivalent bass instruments (I guess with 6 strips of metal) thrash out what the 8-ers play, but an octave lower? For example, in genres such as djent? Surely that would be out of the range of human hearing, right? What if those notes gave you an enema? That stuff happens! Someone needs to say enough is enough, especially in these times where everything is caught on camera. :S
Czech Republic: Black and white! Arrrgh! Oh, colour gets used later again… For dancing on beds and sitting on camels? Very odd.
Denmark: Viking metal, this time. That’s what it looks like these guys play, anyway. Actually they perform acoustic ballads. And they sing something about ‘higher grounds’. Didn’t David Brent sing those lyrics? Double whammy of weird.
Estonia: For better or worse, I couldn’t find the official video for this, so I watched the live classical-based performance instead. I don’t know why opera has been so popular in pop music in recent years. Do people really enjoy the genre mixing, or is it being forced upon us by greedy classical record companies hoping for larger audiences? I mean I’ve seen lots of pop-opera stuff on TV, but never anyone actually listening to it. Hm.
F.Y.R Macedonia: The country whose initials look like some kind of Facebook insult. But they’re not. At least I hope not. Time to google the place… Ah, the abbreviation stands for ‘Former Yugoslav Republic’, not ‘fuck you, ruffian!' or whatevs. Excellent. About the song… Ok, I’m getting used to cheap videos, now. (Whoops, I did it again). Last year some of them were a lot more advanced. Again, the music’s kind of forgettable as funky as it is. The only decent melody so far is from Belgium as far as I’m concerned.
Finland: ‘I ain’t scared no more’. You say that, but there’s always someone worse off than you, meaning things can always get worse for you as well. I’ll believe those lyrics when I see it. It’s a nice positive message though, if a little thoughtless. Other than that, it’s also forgettable.
15 song break: Refrigerate your M&S ‘Rainbow Layers’ fruit. Don’t make the same mistake I did and throw away your money! They will go off, and I mean properly. Did you know those foods that doctors have a love hate relationship with (sure they want healthy patients, but they have to earn money from the sick) can taste like rotten milk? Not on. And what the hell is that white fluffy stuff that grows on the decomposing products? It can make certain breeds (is that the right word?) look like Turkish delight. That’s a fact for the pranksters out there.
France: I ALMOST like this one. Definitely one of my faves, it has a nice chilled out vibe.
Georgia: ‘A jazzy song won last year, so maybe another jazzy (ok jazzish in a way, sort of - it’s ok, I’m on this) song will win this year!’ I bet the performers were thinking. I doubt it. It’s not an interesting idea anymore and the song is poop.
Germany: Germany is well known for Rammstein, so don’t disappoint your audience and release an industrial metal song, instead! -_- This is over-the-top mushy Westlife style music.
Greece: This one’s actually pretty good, it sounds like Enya. Not your typical pop song. I don’t know what the bagpipes (I think that’s what they are) are about, though. They have nothing to do with Greece, unless there was some little known Scot-Greek war/battle/allegiance I don’t know anything about, and their harsh sound doesn’t really fit the music, either. Another kooky one. The song kind of just stops, as well. Hm.
Hungary: This is what Germany should have been. It’s very (and I mean very) typical melodic death metal styled but almost everyone this year is standard, so it doesn’t matter. Defend the faith like Judas Priest preached and vote for these people…
Oh, God what have I got myself in for? I’ve ran out of even the most out there things to write about. Fuck it, no breather… Here have a joke, instead. I do that a lot in my writing, but hey… ‘What do you call an evil person who hates gardening equipment? A spadist.’
Iceland: This guy is another mental case, but in a more ‘friendly’ way. (At least I’m sure that’s what he believes). He walks like he is completely normal, but he sings very loudly to the pedestrians around him at the same time? No, that isn’t normal.
Ireland: Grow some balls and write some cliched metal music!
Israel: Wait… Skip to 2:45. Did you just say mudda-fucka? I’m a little deaf. That’s what it sounded like to me. That can’t be right. Might be though. This pop song also has scat singing in the style of Korn, (think Freak on a Leash) although it’s somewhat more cheerful. It has to be heard to be believed. Apparently this… more adventurous tune is predicted to do well. It’s not bad I guess, but… Korn?? Why??
Italy: I don’t know what this one’s about as it’s not in English. Judging by the video, it’s either anti war or pro war. Let’s hope the former, as it would clearly be in really bad taste to write such cheerful music about killings, etc.
Latvia: The one called ‘Funny Girl’. Oh, I don’t you are. Burning your tongue with a lighter in a love song. THAT’S funny. I wouldn’t worry.
25th song break! How about a short (fictional) story? There is a famous old six word novel that goes ‘for sale: baby shoes, never worn’, but can I do better or be more extreme? Let’s see… ‘For sale: dead hamster, don’t ask.’ No, let’s be more original: ‘Evil hamster: Everyone dead’. Just four words. Or maybe ‘wrong barber shop!’ for three. Or ‘buggy mishap’ for two. Think I can beat that? Here it is, a one word story: ‘Kippers?…’ Is it good? You decide. I certainly won’t be sending it to publishers, but having sent a couple of my manuscripts to the same companies (unsuccessfully) I know that many are open minded. I may even get a reply, as they often promise to. Maybe a polite form of ‘fuck off’.
Lithuania: fb m˚˚˚≈π…………çç√ƒ… vcpf8hnjgf tggggg Oh, sorry, I just fell asleep on my keyboard. Ahem. Next!
Malta: Yeahhhh… not snoozing, I mean not feeling any better, tbsp. No not tablespoon. I’m not feeling any better tbh. (To be honesssssssssssssssssssss
Moldova: Ok, awake. Oh very lively stuff. Awesome. It’s not bad, actually. Got a classic pop feel with more regional influences. Hmm!
Montenegro: What was that about llamas? That’s what you said, right? I’m intrigued. I wish there were English subtitles for this. Even the video offers no clue what it’s about. Chess and forests? I’m stumped.
Norway: I’m obviously familiar with people cutting costs by using stylish, colourless videos, but cutting costs by playing instruments that aren’t really there? Check it out if you don’t believe me, again. Oh real instruments are used later. Why weren’t they used from the beginning? Hm. Maybe they were only rented for a certain amount of time. Whoops, I’ve just realised I mentioned budget again. That’s no good, is it?
Song 30 has been reached! Tired of weird music? Well, how about a weird website, instead? Have a butchers of http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-43697948 … If you can’t be bothered, it’s a page which calculates your body mass index, based on your weight, height and age. Sounds perfectly normal, right? Not when it comes to putting in the information, it isn’t. Some of the stuff you can enter is pretty extreme, for example you can say you are 13 foot and 1 inch tall. Not just 13, a little bit higher. However, you can’t say you’re 13 foot 2 inches tall, as that would clearly be ridiculous. Think that was wacky enough? Guess how small you can say you are? 1 foot? Nope. 1 centimetre. Not only that, you can say you are 1 cm tall and weigh 600 kg, meaning you’ll have a bmi of an impressive 6,000,000. Apparently the highest ever recorded was only 188. Amazingly such a huge person can also be 200 years old in the web address. Please send your prayers to the poor OAP ultra-dwarf, shaped as a pancake. His/her life must be hell.
Poland: A song called ‘light me up’. What light up his tongue, his hair his what? Oh, never mind. You can overthink these things.
Portugal: I couldn’t find the video for this one, but I doubt it has a more perplexing concept than those based on llamas, camels and ancient board games. Who knows, maybe it featured a moose, flamethrowers and a spiral. Figure THAT one out. Anyway, boooooring.
Romania: ‘See the light!’ You’ve mentioned flames again! Ooh, distorted guitars, eh? Still cheesy music, though.
Russia: Flames coming out of someone’s eyes, this time.
San Marino: Another video-less one it seems, so I just watched the ‘live’ performance, once more. However, the unusually good singing makes me suspicious. Surely mimed. A pop singer singing properly? Something’s not right, here. But who knows?
Last breather, this time concerning… MOTs! (Or rather ‘Major Overhauls Treasured’, if you want the full name). My car (other than its failing windscreen wipers) is fine, much to the disappointment of the money hungry employees. They didn’t say they wanted more of my cash, but I could see it in their wild eyes and foaming mouths. Well not really, but you never know. Same with doctors, isn’t it? Anyway, Woop. Obviously I can still drive my vehicle, so to celebrate I might have to get myself another milkshake, soon. I know I said I wouldn’t keep going on about them, but I have a rather different plan, that I think is worth writing about: I’m going to get my drink on a different day, to mix things things up. Sundays will be the new Fridays, at least at first. Who knows? Maybe it will be a terrible idea, and I’ll go back to slurping on the days of chips. (Friesdays).
Serbia: One of the better ones, I think. No video again, but another impressive onstage performance. Mouthed? Who knows? Let’s give them the benefit of the doubt, and say they didn’t fake it. (They did). Compare the singers here to the so called judges of ‘The Voice’. Even those so called professionals can’t REALLY sing properly. Meh.
Slovenia: Another suspect live video. What’s with the guy who keeps going ‘bo bo bo bo’, in the background?
Spain: Mush.
Sweden: Yeah, not bad. 90s Disco!
Switzerland: Fire! However, this time the pyrotechnics are fused with another James Bond style song. Well James Bond-ish. Kinda. In a way. Sorta. Right? Know what I mean?
The Netherlands: 70s rock music! This should win. No visuals, this time for the best, perhaps. Piccies could be interpreted as a ‘sellout’ move. I know Metallica were very against music videos, because they thought they were too commercial. Here, it was probably just lack of funds though. Still, they have spirit!… It could be interpreted.
Ukraine: Clicheeeeeeeeeeeee.
United Kingdom: A song called ‘Storm’. What genre could it be? Thrash metal? Prog? Maybe even death metal? Nope. Pop. Ok, is it heavy pop, though? Nope. God dammit.
It’s over!!!! All countries are done and I’m knackered! Here’s a joke… ‘What was needed for the people who believed in the world’s craziest conspiracy theory? Oven proof… Bye! Want a more satisfying closing paragraph? What can I say? Almost all of the groups suck and sound the same? Almost all the musicians are mentally ill, fire obsessed penny pinchers? Isn’t that clear? I know, how about I hint at what SHOULD be in the competition?… Rammstein. Oh, that’s clear as well. How about some more thoughts for the poor pancake granny, then? I can’t get her image out of my mind, she must by a mile across. What’s keeping the person alive? How did she get there? How much food does she eat? Where she live? Damn you, BBC, give me back my previous peace of mind!