(This entry's for music theory fans, please excuse the technical gibberish. In fact you may want to just skip this one).
Picture the scene: The power has gone in your flat that you share with me, leaving us without the internet and in particular, Google. You also weren’t confident about the answers you gave on your grade 5 music theory exam in 2006, and you kind of get the natural minor and harmonic minor scales mixed up. Does the former have a minor 3rd and raised 7th or is that for the latter? Not to worry, you can take a look at our home dictionary to find out, just in time before your huge pop/ballad gig at Glastonbury. There, you will be improvising guitar in the sad, apparently natural scale suggested by your fellow musicians, without a care in the world. Only you can’t use our reference book because it’s wrong. (Well effectively wrong). Here’s what it says, the author should be ashamed of himself: ‘Minor: Having intervals of a semitone between the second and third, fifth and sixth, and seventh and eighth notes’. That’s the definition of a harmonic minor scale, not natural! True, harm' is a KIND of 'infant' (minor) collection of notes, but if you say a scale is simply minor, natural is what most trained musicians will assume you’re talking about. That has a classic unaltered 7th, not the leading tone. Want to know how your gig went as you soloed with that one dodgy note you were told was fine? It was a complete disaster. It sounded like semi-atonal arabic jazz, with 0% chance of making the charts. In fact, some audience members started to feel ill.
Think matters ended there? You wish they did! No, you explain your bum notes in a high profile TV interview, by saying that you were unprepared for the exams you took all those years ago. Consequently, college music lessons get significantly harder, and students across the country want your blood. So does the writer of the dictionary you and I read, as you also ruined his reputation. Even though he wrote the thing decades ago. However, it seems not all is bad. You get invited to join an avant-garde doom metal band who have sold out gigs across the world. You soon learn that these gigs only hold about five people and you suspect or rather hope those people are totally deaf. If not, there is something wrong with their heads. No man should like chords with natural and raised 7ths played at the same time, but you have no choice. Over the phone as I hear you sobbing whilst on tour, I still persuade you to keep the misleading book, just because it's interesting to me; those kinds of documents are known for being very well proof read. Amazingly, you later end up making more errors because of it, though. That’s a troubling thought, isn’t it? It’s even nightmarish, so dictionary authors out there… Get your **** together!
Fortunately however, that scenario never actually happened. Well, not to me at least. What has happened? (Or rather what have I done today?) Well other than writing this dystopian blog, I’ve been chomping down on excellent toast. I’ve also been preparing comments to go with the comedy entrant’s videos of my up and coming Facebook contest. (Check out my Unsubscribe Tribe page on September 2nd to see all of them). Usually I try to be nice to such people, but I’m ashamed to say I’ve been a bit of a dick in the last few hours, simply because doing so produced the best material I could come up with. Here’s one of the things I’ve said about a standup competitor's work, please don’t judge me: ‘Ahhh, the old hiding notes behind your back and occasionally looking at them technique. I know most people wouldn’t notice them, but I did because I’m eagle eyed. Good routine, too!’ Whilst that observation was far from cruel, it was taking the piss ever so slightly. And don’t think I treated anyone else any better. That’s all from me, as I have music website stuff to sort out, soon. I know I said the same thing yesterday, but turns out I had a bit of extra free time, today. Bye!
(BTW, for the sake of clarity, I wrote most of this blog on Monday. However, I quite rightly chose not to rush it, as at first it was rather confusing and even a little weird. Or rather more so. So when I said 'yesterday' at the end of the previous paragraph, I actually mean Sunday. Hope you enjoyed!)