When I was walking my two dogs, we all had the misfortune of stepping on a used condom. Not the end of the world, dogs can’t get HIV from humans (apparently) and I was wearing shoes. But later whilst playing with one of my doggies, it bit me. It was in a friendly way (it wasn’t in response to me hitting it), but that doesn’t make a difference. What if he got condom juice on his teeth after licking his feet and then infected me? ‘Oh look at me, I just had sex with someone, I’m so big and clever!’, I bet the littering hero was thinking. No! All he did was cause problems for people with irritating OCD traits! And I don’t know who the **** he is, do I? What’s the point of blatantly bragging about something if you have no way of telling people who you are?? The person who dumped the thing needed to write his name and address on it, if he had any chance of ‘impressing’ anyone.
From mouldy diseases to mouldy food: I recently left the milky remains of my Crunchy Nut Cornflakes (vastly superior to normal Cornflakes) out in my bedroom and several flies got stuck to the liquid. What’s interesting, is that over time the milk turned solid and cheesified, and when the flies consequently got unstuck they flew off. Yes, the drowned flies had been resurrected. How crazy is that? You’d think after the first fly got trapped, his friends would have learnt from him, though. Flies have been around for 250 million years, so why haven’t they evolved enough to spot the most basic of patterns? Well, I have a theory and it’s linked to crazy people. How do people who go completely ape **** by smashing things up just because someone looked at them, remain in society? It’s apparently because such people are less likely to be messed with, so they have a certain advantage over others. MAYBE the same goes for flies. ‘Look at me I’m not scared of getting stuck to milk!’ they probably say, and spiders get creeped out by their fearlessness and leave them alone. That’s just an idea, don’t take my word for it.
From flies to flying jumbo jets: Have you ever noticed that planes fly over your house much more frequently when you don’t want them to? For example, I find that when a really cool guitar solo played on my hifi arrives, a huge Boeing gets louder and louder. When the guitar break has finished, the plane disappears into the distance ‘just in time’. That stuff happens far too much for it to be a coincidence. Why does it happen then? A governmental practical joke? I can’t even begin to imagine how ridiculously complicated that would be to set up, just for the one time. That explanation has to be ruled out. The only theory that makes at least some sense is the one where we are all in some kind of video game simulation where the ‘players’ are in complete control of us. ‘Let’s all piss Simon off!’, the gamers are surely thinking. But now that I think of it, that would still be difficult to do, as the hypothetical high tech entertainment system program would be just as complicated as what we assume to be real life. I’m confused. But… that doesn’t matter, as this is a perfectly meaty paragraph that needs no more material and indeed no more of me thinking. Excellent! Bye!