Hello there, I am writing on a Monday! Here’s my schedule: Tuesday: Pick up my brain medicine, go to the London Comedy Writers meeting. Thursday: Go to the dentist. Friday, get my MOT done. Saturday: Get my hair cut. None of that is exactly interesting, but times are a little busier than usual for me lately, so I decided I would get the most of the small things rather than writing of a one off proper outing. It’s also my plan to not go into the details too much, because there probably won’t be any. As I magically look into the future, I have to be honest; in this blog there is a very minor lie, not to make things more interesting, but to make my writing much easier. In Tuesday’s section I say ‘today I asked…’ Actually I wrote that whole paragraph up on a Wednesday when I had the time, but if I admitted that, my writing would be completely all over the place. More so than usual. Furthermore, I didn’t actually do any typing on a Monday, like I claimed, I wrote a lot of what you’ve just read on Friday. As I said, all over the place. I’m glad to get that off my chest. No one likes fibs.
Alright, Tuesday. For around 15 years I collected my meds from a small building next to a hospital, but a few months ago the mini clinic was closed for repairs and is to this day. That’s not confusing for me, as I just pick my goodies up from the infirmary instead. Today, (cheeky lie) I asked the receptionist/doctor/whatever (could be basically anyone, let’s just call her ‘medicine giver’) when the place would be reopening and she said that it will be inactive forever. That hit me like a ton of bricks. (Ok, slight exaggeration). I wasn’t expecting that. Sure I had no good memories of the place, it was somewhere to have my blood pressure taken and all that, but still there was just something a tiny bit sad about never going to those rooms again. It’s like an era of my life is over. The original medication age, 2004-2019. :,(
On a more uplifting note, going into London is always fun. In the LCW meeting, I heard a perfectly reasonable 25 minute script about a wannabe writer get performed. However, when I was a member of a comedy site, I read many pieces of work about the same subject. I guess people scribble down what they’re most confident about. Evidently, the phrase ‘write what you know’ is very bad advice. Really it should be scrapped or seriously rethought. Maybe ‘write what everyone else doesn’t know’ is better. I did come up with an elegant solution to his originality problem, but I didn’t say what it was as it could be interpreted as me taking the piss. But as I’m not in his company anymore, I’ll share it here: Keep the story exactly the same, but turn all the characters into aliens. That would be new. It’s such a simple remedy, it’s genius.
I just did writing and stuff on Wednesday, so we go to Thursday: I was kind of dreading driving to the dentists (more so than usual), as I had some mangy brown stains on my teeth. It didn’t look good. To follow the checkup, I booked a hygiene appointment in the hope of sorting the mange out, but I wasn’t feeling optimistic. As I arrived in town early, I decided to get a used CD from a nearby charity shop, to help me through the already upsetting day. I got Jimmy Eat World to be precise. I knew I already had one JEW CD but as it went straight into my collection, I didn’t pay too much attention to the album cover. (Jew? Well whatever, it’s not racist to say the word so it’s fine - as long as you say it without aggression, that is). Anyway, if I did observe properly in the first place, I would have noticed something fishy today. When I checked the track listing in the waiting room, I realised I did in fact buy the same CD twice, but you live and learn.
As I got called into the operating area, I was soon told my teeth were very good! I’m betting the tooth fairy (that’s what comes up on thesaurus.com if you put in ‘dentist’) didn’t mean they looked good, I’m sure he was implying they were healthy. The first part was over very quickly, but I can’t say the cleanup operation was. It seemed to go on forever and it was rather (actually, really) painful. Ouch. It was well worth it though, because when I got home, I saw all the mankiness had gone and was returned to a shining light yellow. Success! I also discovered there was a mild win in the form of music. Yes, I bought two releases that were identical, but the latest one I purchased was in very good condition and my original case on inspection was very badly cracked, so I replaced it. The 25p was spent very wisely because like everyone, I like things to be as mint as can be. To prevent more mange in the future, I have heavily cut down my sugar intake. Because I’m narcissistic and super shallow the potential future condition of my teeth has scared me more than diabetes, but a positive change in lifestyle is always good no matter the reasoning behind it.
Friday!: As I waited for my MOT to be finished in another town close to mine, I treated myself to two more charity shop CDs! So as not to turn my perfect two ten pound notes specially placed in my wallet into a mass of every day change, (yes, I much prefer looking at and feeling polymer money) I bought the music with my credit card. Could I do the same card trick with the tasty chicken meal I bought, minutes later? Sadly no, my pretty notes were forced by the ultra basic cash machine to be converted and go all messy. But in the grand scheme of things, that didn’t really matter and deep down I knew that. In the back of my mind that I was trying to distance myself from, I was fearing the mechanics were going to yell at me and say ‘what the f**k have you done with your car??’ With impressive bravery, I wandered back then knelt next to the MOT place by some houses, and ate my meal like a well off hobo. In fact after I threw away my food, I got suspected of being homeless despite my CDs by my side. Ever seen a tramp with a small CD collection? Me neither. And what kind of vagrant dresses with my immaculate style? Idiot.
Doesn’t matter. Not long after the refreshments and chilling, I checked if my car was ready. Not only did I not have to hang around anymore, my vehicle was fine! Oh joy, no abuse! Lighter than air I drove home, but as it was a special occasion I took the scenic route that was approximately two minutes longer. Still though, it was a nice drive, especially in the sunny weather. It was apparently expected to be wintery, but it clearly wasn’t. Why don’t weathermen just be honest and say they have no idea what they’re talking about? Of course it would be hard to admit on air especially in those words, but it would be better for them in the long run. Getting a reputation for messing up people’s vacation plans is far worse. ‘Oh great, sun for a week’, a holidayer could say. Only for his sweet, trusting, though impractical and maladjusted family to die a slow and painful death caused by hypothermia. Ok, that’s an extreme example. But not impossible. Anyway, it turns out my music I purchased this time was pretty good. What a week! But would my hair go wrong somehow, tomorrow? Let’s find out…
Saturday: Ok, ok, ok, I didn’t keep two ten pound notes in my wallet just because I like looking at them. (Having said that, they are far superior in aesthetics than American money). No, I actually took them out of a cash machine for today’s barber. I’m going for a lie hat trick, it seems. Again, in this case my writing was getting messy (it’s a long story) and I couldn’t work out what to do other than tell a porky, but hopefully I caused maybe some amusement? I wrote a classic money anecdote, right? No? At least I've just caused mild surprise? Hopefully not disillusionment. If so, I can only apologise. My blogs are usually 100% factually accurate, I swear. Anyway, what was my appointment like? It was similar to the dental one, in that I was in a fixed position for ages doing nothing, but it sure was less painful. Can you imagine what it would be like if your hair could feel? What a nightmare. What else is there to say? Not a lot. My hair was long, now it’s short, so yeah. Bye!