As explained earlier, I’ve massively cut down my sugar intake. (Though I will still be getting chocolates when I go into London, weekly milkshakes from GBK and hot chocolates when I go into Staines. And of course I don’t want to miss out on Easter, my birthdays, Christmases and occasional restaurant outings, but other than that, sugar is out of my life). Let’s get a list of sugar detox symptoms from the internet, (sweetdefeat.com to be precise) and see if I have any of them because of my new diet…
Fatigue and weakness: I’m not feeling at all drowsy, and certainly not weak. I go to the gym almost every day. If I felt like I was LOSING muscle, I would be seriously concerned. But anyway, I’m not.
Extreme cravings: I have to admit I feel kind of empty since telling sugar to go screw itself. I just feel like something is missing in my life. Consequently, I try to fill the void by eating other kinds of food, but since they’re relatively healthy and not super fattening, I haven’t put on any weight. So it doesn’t matter too much.
Confusion: I’m always confused. Next.
Headaches: Mmm… I don’t think so. Not because of my food intake anyway. I think they’re caused by my stiff neck. I should exercise more carefully, but I don’t want to.
Behaviour changes: My personality is always 100% stable. Next. Again.
Muscle aches and pains: Again, I blame the gym.
Poor sleep quality: I always sleep like a baby because the meds I take at night act like sleeping pills. Just another reason why it’s great to be me.
Depression: Actually my mood seems to have improved.
Weight loss: As hinted at earlier, no.
Flu-like symptoms: From quitting sugar? Are you serious? Are you confusing the stuff with heroin? No, I don’t feel very ill.
Lightheadedness: If you’re suggesting I’ve turned to some form of narcotics to take my mind off consuming glucose, no. I haven’t.
Alright, I can conclude I haven’t really suffered from my sugar crash in terms of health. However, apparently deserts and such are just as difficult to kick as cocaine. If so, maybe I could give talks at drug rehabilitation centres about my struggles. They could go a little something like this… ‘Hello, I’m Simon. I’ve never done speed, meth, whatever, but I get what you’re going through. I, myself am a recovering sugar addict and that’s just as serious. Ok, I have had little trouble quitting the substances, suggesting that if you really can’t turn your back on getting high, you are really quite weak willed. However, I DO miss chocolates and even sweets. I don’t miss them so much I feel the need to rob banks to pay for them, so again, what is wrong with you? Stop blaming drugs and take responsibility. Do you have any idea what would happen to me if I threatened someone with a gun because I was simply hungry?’
Of course I could expect to hear a range of expletives directed at me as a result of my talk. I most likely wouldn’t be taken seriously from the start in fact, but you know junkies; they’re very close-minded. So was I when I was on sugar. All I could think about was getting my next cake… Hey… What’s that sound? Do I hear an ice cream van? Oh, just the thought of all that wonderful sweetness… I have to have some change around here somewhere… Where’s my change? Where’s my damn change?? Arrgh! Don’t go, I’m coming!! And on that desperate note, bye, I’m out of here! AAAAAARGHHH!!!!!!! :(