Christina Zheng won my latest Facebook comedy competition! But did she win fairly or was she a sneaky cheat? Let’s have a look at the evidence: Christina claims the dish ‘Bone broth’ is number 43 on my local Chinese restaurant menu. That’s a strong claim, as it implies it’s the same everywhere. (Unless she’s been stalking me and knows where I live). Let’s see if that’s true: Actually it’s sliced duck in plum sauce. Ok, maybe she was referring to her AUDIENCE’S local restaurant and I misunderstood. But I don’t know where that is. How convenient, right? But is she a serial liar? (I’m so sorry, Christina, I’m only trying to be funny. Just like you I guess. I guess the difference is you’re the one who’s funny, and I’m just abusive). Anyway, is she a serial liar? Let’s investigate again - This is an ancient Chinese proverb according to her: ‘If you can’t chew it, then **** off.’ Let’s see what happens when I Google that phrase… Wow, no exact results are found, sadly meaning you know what. Sorry. You’ve even disgraced your country by making its citizens look flat out antisocial. Evil even. Unless it’s a super obscure phrase that only gets passed down from generation to generation, and has never been written down. If so… how weird!
Ok, I have to be clear: Actually Christina comes across as perfectly trustworthy throughout her performance. It’s just some moron crashed into my car ages ago and he promised to pay for the repairs. I haven’t heard a word from him, and it’s given me a bitter personality. Tragically, we often take out our anger on the people that deserve it the least. Does she look as shifty as hell in the same way the money dodger did? Not at all. Please forgive me. Again. Anyway, in her set, she also points out that people how follow their dreams often tend to end up homeless. (Well that’s what her mother said, she explains). Unlike the phrase recently mentioned, it ACTUALLY MAKES SENSE. I’m being harsh on Chris again. It’s just that I wanted to say to the con artist who offered me £70 to pay for hundreds of pounds of damage, ‘you’re talking out of your bum’. Hmm, that sounds good. You bellend.
Anyway, check the virtuous lady’s performance below!
https://www.facebook.com/schoolofhardknockknocks/videos/372617840099457/
Now to go off-road again! I not long ago had to get a computer cable replaced because my dog chewed through it. When I showed the same lead to a computer store staff member and enquired if he had another one of the same, he asked what happened to it. I explained everything. On reflection, I should have said I gnawed on it though. Just to see what would happen. If I knew he’d ask me about the cable before hand, I could have stained my teeth with some kind of red ink, maybe the kind that colours food. Is that ink? Well whatever. Or maybe I could burst a capsule in my mouth that looks like blood, so it would seem I gnawed on people, too. Taking things further, maybe I could carry a severed, heavily bitten arm. Again, it would give me no financial gain, and could even ruin my reputation, but what an anecdote, right? Sadly(?) it wasn’t to be. And…….. Bye!