Because this is my 250th blog, I decided to do something special. It’s just a nice number. One of the best. For the first time ever, I will be combining a blog with a monologue, and creating my first (if not the world’s first) mono-blog! Unfortunately, nothing really notable has happened to me lately, so at this point, I’m not 100% sure what to journal about, but I’m sure everything will turn out totally super duper. Let’s go!
Blog part one: Yesterday, I was watching the James Bond film ‘Casino Royale’. There was a part in it, when Mr. Bond was on the hunt for a terrorist inside a building, and everyone kept shooting at the spy. For fun however, I imagined he was a robber and the terrorists were police. It really changed the tone of the movie and I think it improved it.
Monologue part one: In this monologue, I will be listing the lightest, heaviest, slowest, fastest, lightest, darkest, most basic, and most technical forms of popular music. Why? I don’t know. Let’s goooo.
First up we have the heaviness ratings. Let’s gooooo!
Heaviness (Told you).
1 out of 10. Pop music (e.g. Spice Girls)
We all know pop music isn’t particularly heavy, despite the explosive, even brutal sounding name. The only exception is when Bjork went mad and used the locrian mode in her ‘Army of me’. The clue’s in the name of the scale - ‘loco’ means ‘crazy’. If you think I’m joking when I say the locrian mode roughly translates as the mad scale, you’re actually wrong. So yeah, Bjork went mad. :S
2. Pop rock (Bon Jovi)
If you think Bon Jovi is heavy, you have a lot to learn. You’re not stuck in the 60s, are you? That’s trippy. Though as Jovi’s ‘If I was Your Mother’ is actually pretty rocking, I will let you off this one time.
3. Rock (AC/DC)
Rocks are really hard, right? Throw a rock at someone and you will cause great distress? Actually AC/DC aren’t particularly heavy despite the genre name.
4. Hard Rock (Van Halen)
Getting heavier, getting heavier. Van Halen’s ‘Humans Being’ is actually more metal than anything else. That song even featured in the film ‘Twister’. Sadly for Van Halen, it’s one of their worst songs, and it’s not a great way to advertise themselves. I get it in a way, though. I mean I promote my substandard - I know it is, it’s ok :( - music, don’t I? Fingers crossed it will catch on one day. TBH, I’d rather people read my blog.
5. Traditional Metal (Iron Maiden)
Come on, of course Iron Maiden are heavy. The band name is an old torturing device. Can you imagine a ballad coming from a group called ‘Crucifixion’? What are you trying to say??
6. Speed Metal (Racer X)
Faster = heavier.
7. Thrash metal (Metallica)
We’re getting into music about killing people and nuclear apocalypses, here. Even Bjork at her most experimental doesn’t write about that. (I think). I say go for it, though. Push the boundaries.
8. Black metal (Mayhem)
In my opinion, this is the point of heaviness that stops becoming mainstream. Here you get the nutty performers/listeners. Dead from Mayhem for example, liked to bury himself alive. (I think). Makes you wonder what he didn’t like doing.
9. Death metal (Cannibal Corpse)
Interestingly death metal doesn’t have the bad reputation black metal has. But that’s understandable, when you hear about Dead. (AKA Per Ohlin, AKA Please for the love of God get some therapy).
10. Goregrind (Probably best not to list the names :S)
Goregrind doesn’t really have a reputation at all, as next to no one listens to it.
Blog part 2: Still on the subject of James Bond, wouldn’t it be funny if he had an uncontrollable fear of spiders and shot one multiple times when undercover in a shopping centre?
Monologue part two: Next up we have the speed category!
Speed (See?)
1. Funeral doom (Shape of Despair)
If you think slow tempos mean boring music, you’re right. But that’s the point. I think. No, that doesn’t sound right. I think I’ll leave it. Well no, maybe it is supposed to be boring. I don’t know.
2. Doom metal (Candlemass)
Not quite as bad as funeral doom. That’s something. :)
3. Grunge (Nirvana)
Is grunge slower than rock music? I think it is. Let’s go with it.
4. Rock (AC/DC for those with a poor memory. I’ll say the band this one last time).
AC/DC are moderately paced and have somewhat plodding drum beats, but I think that’s the point. (Again). Blast beats and shredding simply wouldn’t work with them. Fortunately such techniques weren’t around during the classic AC/DC period, so there was no chance of them being badly influenced. Stupid death metal. -_-
5. Metal (Come on, your memory’s not that bad is it? I’m not saying Iron Maiden, again).
We’re really picking up the pace, now. Some metal actually borders on speed metal!
6. Speed metal (I believe in you and your totally fab brain power).
Speed metal on the other hand IS speedy metal. Clue’s in the name. We’re getting into tempos of 200 bpm and higher, here. If your resting heart rate is this high… well… wow.
7. Thrash metal
The fastest thrash metal song I know of is ’Necrophobic’ by Slayer. That’s 248 bpm. But things surely can’t get any faster, right??
8. Death metal
Some death metal is 300 bpm! :O You’ll never hear it in a doctor’s waiting room, though - inappropriate. Stick to ambient music. As ambient music often doesn’t have a drum beat, does that mean it’s zero beats per minute, sometimes? It seems death obsessed and misery loving doomers have a rival in the from of pleasing synths and good vibes.
9. Grindcore
Some grindcore music is about animal rights, which is a bit weird. Usually music this heavy is about mangling people.
10. Ridiculous death metal (Henker)
400 bpm?? How the hell is that even possible? People play this stuff, not computers! (On the subject of computers, the things ARE pretty impressive. I’ve heard computer music at 1000 bpm. You have to hand it to them, THAT’S fast. Did you know computers can also work out stuff like 436233.43434 times 563345.5222? That’s great!)
Blog part 3: Yesterday I bought some fragrant deodorant called ‘Umbro Ice’, which claims to be ‘Deo Body Spray’. First up ice doesn’t smell of anything and according to my spell checker ‘deo’ is a made up word. Personally I think the product has a flowery smell. I’d call it ‘Umbro (Umbro is a brand name, which is fine), Flower Body Spray’. Yep, I’d just scrap the ‘deo’ bit entirely. Now I’ve pondered, I’m assuming it stands for ‘deodorant’, but what if someone thinks it stand for ‘deontology’? (A kind of philosophy, that is). Many intellectuals will be disappointed with the product when they find it doesn’t expand the mind. Well maybe some intellectuals sniff flowers. Maybe that’s what Umbro had in mind. Lack of clarity much?
Monologue part three: Darkness category
1. Pop music
If you think Abba is dark, you need to toughen up, quite frankly.
2. Pop rock
Even toddlers can handle pop rock. Toddlers aren’t more badass than you are they?
3. Rock
Ok, some rock can be fairly dark. The intro to AC/DCs ‘Hell’s Bells’ is a bit on the spooky side. Rock is the choice of music for only the baddest toddlers.
4. Hard rock
Some hard rock can actually be very dark. ‘Flesh and Blood’ by Ted Nugent is quite something. If your baby likes THAT song, you might want to be prepared for behavioural problems later in life, such as biting people/general aggression. Cool guitar playing, though.
5. Traditional metal
Keep your toddlers away from traditional metal. Curious/venturesome youngsters are more likely to play records in reverse than older people, and we all know what evil messages are planted in metal albums. Why? I’m not sure if anyone really knows.
6. Grunge
Actually some grunge is darker than a lot of doom metal. (Alice in Chains, what the hell is your problem??) But most isn’t, hence my well thought out rating.
7. 12 tone metal (Blotted Science)
Wow, all twelve notes are used, here? Variety is the spice of life, right? Actually many listeners of this form would say ‘No. Turn it off’.
8. Black metal
You’d think nothing could be darker than the colour black?? Turns out, no. It seems a renaming is in order. I’d call this genre ‘super dark grey’ music, to avoid any confusion.
9. Doom metal
The only form of music that can be destroyed with anti-depressants, alone. If you want to destroy black metal (many do), that’s more complicated as you need to treat depression AND anger. Very complicated.
10. Avant garde doom metal (Unholy)
If you play avant garde doom metal to toddlers, it’s a form of abuse. This music is horrible.
Blog part four: Here’s a thought: Tomorrow is a bank holiday. What makes banks so special? You know who I think really needs a holiday? Alaskan crab fishermen, I’ve just Googled them. I think they should get at least one. A bit random at first maybe, but not when their job descriptions are read out. Alaska is very cold. Although when people realise there is such a thing as jackets, that makes the job sound less impressive.
Monologue part four: Technicality criteria
1. Noise Punk (Who cares who plays this?)
Well… You certainly don’t need ANY skill to play this ‘music’, which I guess is its appeal (to the perfomers). In fact, it’s the only music in the whole wide world that can be mastered by deaf, blind, hand-less mammals/birds/fish/reptiles.
2. Punk
With this genre there is huge improvement, as you need to work out how to play two note chords on the guitars and to go ‘bum tish, bum tish’ on the drums. Are you up for the challenge??
3. Rock
Heeeere, we go. Did you know in rock music, full chords with three notes and more are often used? Not to be sniffed at.
4. Hard rock
The guitar solos only get tastier with hard rock. This is serious stuff.
5. Groove metal (Pantera)
Dimebag Darrell sure liked to solo. And he was pretty good at it, too. Noise punk has been left far behind and we’re all happier because of it.
6. Traditional metal
Let’s speed things up a little.
7. Technical death metal (Necrophagist)
We’re really getting technical now, but many would argue technical in the wrong way. This may be complicated noise, but does that make it good? Many would say ‘(expletive) off’.
8. Shred metal (Yngwie Malmsteen)
The guitars may be ridiculous and relentlessly scalic, but at least the drums tend to play normal beats, rather than them imitating a machine gun, like in tech death. Do Necophagist like listening to machine guns? If not, why mimic them? That’s what I want to know.
9. Progressive metal (Dream Theater)
Here drums and bass get their time to really shine, too. Not so much the vocalists though, in many cases. :S
10. ‘The Dance of Eternity’ by Dream Theater
This piece of music could sound like a joke when explained to someone else, but I swear to God it’s real. Yep, this song actually happened. :O
All done! I’m not sure WHY I kept talking about toddlers, but I had an idea and I went with it. You could call it ‘development’. And I guess this was a lot more monologue than blog, and purists will probably say it wasn’t a blog at all, but I did try. Is there anything else to say? I don’t think so, I was being very thorough with my music analysis at least. Byeeee!