Yesterday, I went to a party! It was a London Comedy Writers party! I’ve been to the LCW meeting hundreds of times, would that mean I found the get together easily? No, it was somewhere else! But before I get into that, I have an amusing anecdote. A train on the way to the celebration was cancelled, so I made the most of the situation and went for a pee. Wow, what a clean toilet, no pee everywhere? Something strange was going on. I was right to be suspicious, because I checked the room’s door, and I had just walked into the women’s toilet. Whoops. I walked to the men’s restroom, and yeah, a strong smell of pee was noticed immediately. A few minutes later the train arrived, I left the train and started my rambling. Shouldn’t have been too complicated. I had a hand drawn map…
I actually walked half the journey perfectly fine, but to be fair I was only walking in a straight line. Then again, I could have walked in a straight line in the opposite direction, but I didn’t. Sound impressive? Well, it was 50/50. Soon realising I was lost and that my map wasn’t very good, (did you see that coming? Because I was feeling pretty confident beforehand), I asked for directions in a cafe, and the kings amongst men and queens amongst women told me they would give me some directions. As I waited for them, I watched two people playing an epic battle of Warhammer. Well it was more of a light skirmish, but even so, I have always been interested in the game. It’s just my model building and precise painting skills… well they suck. No one wants to see tiny warriors who appear to be crippled because of glue misuse, and with messy armour and weapons, they have to look cool. When the directions were shown to me on a computer, it was explained I walked past the place I was supposed to go to for about five minutes, not too bad!
Even closer to the place than before, I soon asked for more directions in a pub, and the king amongst men drew me a map. The catch was he needed the paper, so I had to memorise it. I thought I did, but I did so badly and I spend a good few minutes wandering around. THEN I found the place. Woohoo! Genuinely a super feeling. I’m glad I brought my earplugs because the party bar was very loud. Like being jabbed hard in the eardrums at around 130 bpm. And non stop, too. I was told I arrived just in time and had just a few minutes to buy cheep drinks in the happy hour. For whatever reason, it took me a few minutes to process what was said to me, and then I thought to myself ‘On no, I only have a few more minutes!’ A very Homer Simpson thing to think. A bit dumb. I walked to the drinks serving area and waited. I wished the staff would hurry up. I actually hinted to the staff to hurry up through clever body language. Some may call it rudeness, I call it saving money.
In the meantime, what drink should I get? I looked at the menu and was immediately drawn to the ‘painkiller’ cocktail, probably because of the Judas Priest album. However it was explained they were all out of it. Never mind, it’s an overrated album anyway, apart from the title song that is. I ordered another drink but as happy hour had ended or because the other drink I wanted didn’t conform to the rules of happy hour maybe, (I wasn’t really listening) I had to pay a bit more. Something weird seemed to be happening, but I don’t think it was a scam. A business like that wouldn’t last a day. Unless they pick on people in a stupor like I evidently was. Whatever the case, I just bought one drink instead of the two I had in mind. Let’s save the money, no small drink is worth £10. Thank God for that is all I can say, because the one beverage I did order was very very strong. Any more and I would have been completely wasted!
I spent the next hour or so pretty zoned out, sitting on a chair and dead to the world, hardly even hearing anything because of the plugs. In that time, nothing really happened, other than a lot of talking and one woman sharing her chips. She said they were for everyone and everyone should help themselves, but I wanted to eat all of them. I’m sure I couldn’t have done that. Eating that amount would be really rude, so I just ate two. Then as time passed, maybe I had around 6. All in all, the experience was better than the last Christmas party. Eventually I decided to leave and was feeling pretty dizzy. I told someone my plans in what I thought in a coherent manner, but sadly people were looking at me like I was mental. As I’m typing, I still don’t know why.
A REAL king amongst men, a saint really, walked me to my station AND he took me across the tube system!! I really couldn’t have done it without him, he was a real life saver, especially as I left the party in a different way that I came. Complicated stuff. On the way, I brought up Irish showoff author James Joyce, Finnegans Wake and how the book was a load of gibberish. He agreed. We also talked about our websites and what we did. In return for his act of kindness, I said the least I could do would be to promote his site, so here it is for you: https://exuspat.com, check it out! I’ve visited his site, and I can tell you the artwork looks superb!! And if you want a romantic thriller extravaganza? Look no further. Back to the blog, even though I made it to the last train home, I wasn’t in the clear, as I soon needed to pee like NEVER before, I had to hold everything in for a good half hour. Agony.
Thank God I didn’t pee myself by the time I left the train. I ran to the nearby petrol station, but the toilet was out of order! In increasing desperation, I ran to the neighbouring shop, asked if they had a toilet and they told me to go to the petrol station! For over 5 minutes, I ran to the shop just a couple of minutes away from my home and they let me pee! Even MORE kings amongst men for you, phew! The small amount of time saved could have made all the difference! Once I got to my abode, I was relieved I didn’t commit any kind of crimes during my period of mild drunkenness. I certainly didn’t indent to get that tipsy, as yeah, I don’t really find the thought of losing control of yourself and forgetting what you’ve done too appealing. That drink I ordered should have come with a warning, it must have been a good 80% gin. A cocktail technically speaking, but surely not a typical one. And blog over! No actually, thanks again to Lynwood Sawyer for helping me!! NOW blog over, bye!