As I have nothing else to write about, I’ll do another random diary, but twice as long as my last one. Unfortunately, as my routine is fairly dull and repetitive, I’m not sure how different this diary will be, but dammit I’ll try. Some of what I say will be pretty dark (I have a chocolate addiction that is in danger of spiralling out of control), but there will be lightness, too. For example, I will be discussing (right now) how black metal band ‘Deafheaven’ went all dream pop on their latest release. Isn’t that nice? It’s like when you hear of a once hardened bank robber coming out of jail, and helping old ladies cross the street, and stuff like that. It just makes the world a happier place. Of course, there is the possibility Deafheaven wrote such trippy music not because they were high on life and a good life at that, but rather because they were high on something less legal. If it’s the latter, I guess everyone deserves a second chance. (Ok, maybe not Albert Fish. Don’t even THINK of giving him another chance, or things will go seriously wrong. I know he's dead, I'm talking about zombie Fish). Sadly the last track in the album is a lot angrier than the rest of it. It seems the hardened prisoner has stopped helping toddlers do their shoelaces, and has gone back to intimidating witnesses.
Here goes the diary!…
(23rd August 2021)
8:00: My alarm goes off, so I turn on my computer. I go back to bed, as I wait for everything to get up and running. (I can never really bring myself to watch the loading stage where it looks like all my files have been deleted. Why does the period where you see nothing but the computer wallpaper have to go on for so long? Still, it’s never as scary as the first time that happened!!!!! :S)
8:10: I get out of bed, AGAIN. Most people hate getting out of bed once, in my crazy life, the hard work is doubled. Still though, it’s an extra 10 minutes rest, if you’re a ‘glass half full’ kind of person. What follows the many hours of horizontalness, is the checking of my emails, the posting of jokes on social media, etc. It’s very boring.
8:40: I just let the dogs out. I’m not sure why they were so keen to leave, as my dad took them for a walk a few minutes ago. What is it about my house that’s so troubling? Sadly the only thing I can think of is me. :( Unless my pets have a fear of harmless inanimate objects that is. That would odd, yet strangely reassuring. Now to get back to checking the various web pages. Nearly done, now.
8:50: Now it’s done! Now to go to the shops and get my food! Like many of us, I brought a reusable plastic bag with me. I’m praying the whole ‘wasting plastic is evil’ trend will be over soon. Most of the last CDs I’ve bought have had cardboard cases! A big no no, if you want to keep them for more than a couple of years. (And I really do).
9:30: Back from the shops! I couldn’t wait to try a new kind of crisps I spotted, called ‘Pom-Bear’, so I ate them in the last few seconds and before dinner. Just because they’re in the shape of teddy bears, doesn’t mean they’re not good. In fact, they are some of the nicest crisps I’ve eaten. (Really). It’s probably best not to take them with you to the next Hell’s Angels meeting (though I once heard of a biker eating and passing round Jelly Babies), but if you’re all alone, it’s time to binge.
9:45: My cornflakes have been eaten! You’ve probably heard of people preferring crunchy flakes over soft ones or vice versa, what I like to do, is wait for the flakes to go soggy. When all eaten, I add MORE flakes and eat them crunchy. Best of both worlds. :)
9:50: Time to wash teeth etc. Pretty boring, though my soap is a bright blue liquid that I find interesting.
10:00: Time to eat cherries to South Park Youtube videos. (I’m really bored of grapes, despite the genuinely massive variety). I’ve seen the video before, but not as many times as I’ve eaten grapes. Nowhere near. What gets older quicker? South Park or grapes? Time to draw the graph. Well, maybe later/never.
10:05: Time to make the preceding interesting, whilst listening to Deafheaven’s new album. I’m not sure what this blog will get out of talking about the group again, so I think I’ll leave it. (But they’re so good).
12:30: Pasta salad eaten and more videos watched! But that’s in the past. Ah. I’m so sorry. According to Google, that play on words has been done 411,000 times. :(
12:45: I’ve just done a hop! As it was a solitary hop, the stakes weren’t exactly high, but in a way that made things riskier. What if I hopped so casually, I fell over and broke my ankle? Then I’d have to phone an ambulance. But what if they didn’t believe my explanation? It’s just a weird thing to do. I’d have to drive to the hospital. With a broken ankle? Not only would I be in severe pain, I’d get arrested. And you thought hopping was for wusses/stupid people.
12:50: Finished sorting emails for my music boss. Not a lot to get through, but more will come later. Makes me feel sensible, especially after all that dumb jumping business. :S No, Simon! Jumping is for badasses!
13:15: I watched the news, then more South Park. Sometimes I wonder who’s worse, Eric Cartman or the Taliban… :S
13:50: I’m really getting sick of sitting on my wooden stool. I’m in pain! The chair really is rubbish. Let’s see if a cushioned stool is better. (My old, original drum stool TRULY sucked, it kept collapsing. At first I thought it improved my reflexes, but it pushed me too far when I fell off it and hurt my elbow. Now I want to burn it).
13:55: You know what? The new, softer stool isn’t too bad. It could be comfier, but no more sore bum. If only my desk was cushioned, I’d have no aching elbows. There’s an invention for you! In fact, let’s cushion everything, including the floor. If you do that, there would be far less dangerous hops. You get a peculiar from of megalomania with me, don’t you? Well I’m sticking by my ideas.
14:00: Another hop! Again, somewhat dangerous, but I was unfazed.
14:20: Here’s a thought: Maybe I don’t need to rest my elbows on the desk and consequently hurt them. (I didn’t have to when I had my old drum stool as it was shorter. It’s a long story). This will take some doing, but I think I can get this.
14:50: More South Park!
15:00: I’m listening to ‘Generator Man’ by Darren Housholder. Allmusic.com gave the album 2 stars which is bad enough, but the review said the album ‘includes his best songwriting yet’. :( The drumming does sound programmed, but considering the album was cheaply recorded in 1993, I think it’s pretty good. It’s pretty bleak, though. If Alice in Chains went instrumental, this is what they might sound like. With depressing songs such as ‘Passing Friends’, I’m assuming Darren doesn’t like his friends. And with songs like ‘Coming Home’, I get the impression he doesn’t like home, either.
16:40: Wow, I’ve really been watching a lot of South Park today, haven’t I? I have been doing other things, honesty. I know it’s odd for people to think of me as a’thinker’, but I’ve honestly been pondering ideas most of the time. Isn’t that crazy?
17:30: Time for some mild, yet prolonged leg warmups, before going to the gym, and whilst watching gameshow ‘Pointless’. Some questions that were asked, were about grunge band, Nirvana. Great stuff. Out of five questions, I knew four answers. I didn’t know the label the band were on, but if you know that, you’re a stalker.
18:00: Time to leave for the gym!
19:40: Gym workout finished! For the last few days, I’ve been thinking to myself ‘I’m not getting a gym high anymore’. Well, I added another 100 calories to my exercise regime, and I’m back in business.
19:50: More shopping, but this time I bought petrol. You’d think that wouldn’t be interesting, but as I spent so much money, I had to enter my PIN code, rather than simply scanning my credit card. What I like to do when entering the digits, is act like everyone’s a criminal after my details. I cover my number entering hand very carefully. Yes. :D
20:10: Got in the bath and washed my hair. Straightforward stuff.
20:20: More stuff to type up/improve, but not all of it A grade material.
20:30: Food whilst watching Youtube! (My original, first draft notes said ‘Foot whilst watching Youtube’. Then I remembered what I meant. It’s a scary feeling when you confuse yourself).
20:55: Teeth washing, etc.! Oh no, I seem to have receding gums. Teeth horror.
21:10: Back to videoing, this time I'm checking out a video about retro video games.
21:55: Video over. It was a biggie.
21:56: back to bed.
24th August
8:10: Time for another day! (Yes, yes, yes, I was asleep for over ten hours).
9:00: I phoned the dentist. Sadly I can’t get an appointment until October, but maybe that means I have nothing to worry about? The tops of my teeth do have a nice golden colour that is pretty stylish, I guess.
9:10: Time to get the train ticket for the London Comedy Writer’s meeting, and food as well. There was a bit of drama last week when I heard the tube staff were going to strike, meaning I’d have to take a bus when I got to London. :S (Scary, right? Very confusing). In a way I’m disappointed the strike has been called off though, as now I don’t have a chance to review the special London buses, which is a shame. Well I still could technically speaking, but I can’t be bothered. And it would be a bit silly. (Ok, I’m just scared).
9:50: I’m back! When I was about to get in my vehicle and leave the shop car park, a driver asked me if I was going, so he could park. I should have said ‘no, I plan on staying here all week, for a car park holiday.’ Didn't though.
9:55: Food and Youtube. Again, I’m not going to bother elaborating on that.
10:30: Manky teeth brushed, beard shaved. I just want to watch ONE more video as I eat the new trending cherries.
10:40: Ok, let’s make the preceding events readable!
13:15: Still proofing! As I won’t be doing anything of note for a while, here’s an interesting thought for you: If you shoot a gun at light speed, would the bullet go faster than the speed of light? I mean bullets go even faster that the gun they’re coming from, even if the gun’s going super fast. If the bullet did go faster than the speed of light, would it go back in time and shoot the person firing the gun before he shot it? :S
14:35: Wow, I really haven’t been doing much today, have I? I suppose I could talk about my chocolate addiction… I was thinking I’d get special city chocolates just today and THEN give up. I think I brushed my teeth too hard and damaged some of my gums, sadly forever. Should I really give up sugar once and for all, now my teeth are starting to get mangled?? It’s a sad thought. But we had some good times, chocolates, didn’t we? :(
15:00: You know what? Should I just give up choccies, RIGHT now? There are a whole world of other light snacks out there, especially in pubs - crisps, nuts, salted nuts, spicy nuts, coated nuts, is it really so bad? If you thought I was joking earlier, when I said I had an addiction, these last few sentences show my problems are VERY real.
15:05: I can do this. I control chocolates, they don’t control me. Again, 100% seriousness.
15:06: All I have to do is walk past the choc shop and keep walking.
15:07: I’m sorry, but I don’t know if I have the strength. :( I guess time will tell.
15:09: I could just think to myself ‘Was I really happy after eating that rubbish?’ I could say ‘no’ to that, but it wouldn’t really be true.
15:22: You know what, it’s time to grow as a human being. There’s no question - I WILL walk past Hotel Chocolat and it will feel great. I just need to think of the hotel as a crappy one star place. Dirty sheets and rats everywhere. Sorry HC, but I have to think of myself.
15:24: But then again, just one visit should be fine. To be crystal clear, the tragedy of this blog, is that there are no jokes here whatsoever. These are honestly my real thoughts. Maybe I should delete some of them. Getting a bit samey. Then again, it’s great drama, if a bit morbid.
15:38: Ok, I’ve decided - No more chocolates. I mean people on heroin say ‘Just one more, just one more’ and it never is, is it?
15:39: Great! Now what to write about? Oh. Nothing.
15:44: Let’s research the Old King’s Head pub and see what foods they do… Apparently they serve traditional pub food, but I don’t know what that means. It could just mean nuts. Even if it is just nuts, that will have to do. I’d really like some chips, though. Is that traditional pub food? If not, why not? I completely understand why sushi wouldn’t be traditional pub food, but everyone eats chips. Some 'freaky eaters' only eat chips, but that's too hardcore for me.
16:10: I just watched a Youtube video where a calculator gives wrong answers. Yes! Back off computers, people are your masters! Of course, I didn’t understand why the answers were wrong, but I’ll take the uploader’s word for it.
16:50: Left the house for London!
18:40: I did it, I walked passed Hotel Chocolat and didn’t buy any tasty treats!
18:45: Turns out the pub didn’t sell chips. (At that particular time, at least). Sure the crisps I purchased weren’t anything special, but c’est la vie. I’ll be buying chips tomorrow. I think the English have a reputation for eating chips with everything, and it’s true. I’ll be eating them with a kebab and onion rings. I also bought a gin and tonic. Fizzy drinks aren’t great for your teeth, but unlike sweets, etc., the drinks don’t stick to them, so it’s fine. (Right?) So why not buy two G&Ts? Does chocolate milkshake stick to your teeth? That’s something I’d ponder for quite some time. (The shop back home sells the drinks).
18:55: In the meeting room above the pub, a member commented on how words (or made up words) starting with ‘schm’ or ‘oomp’ sound funny. I suppose he had a point, but I hope he wasn’t planning on basing a whole sitcom on those ideas alone. Unless he’s an absolute genius, it will sound unbelievably silly. I mean really. The sitcom of the evening wasn’t written by him, but part of me wishes it was. That would be an interesting style I’d not heard before. :O
19:10: As I didn’t trust my dad’s comments on my teeth, I sought out people for a second opinion. I saw at least two people who I thought had a dentist (or at least doctor/nurse) look to them, but I left it. It would be too embarrassing asking their thoughts in front of around 30 confused people.
19:15: The script of the evening started to be read out. As I’d basically heard it before (it was an improved version), that meant I didn’t have to listen properly to the actors, and that I could think about milkshakes. I’m not trying to be funny, that’s what happened.
21:15: Meeting over! Time to go home…
22:40: In the shop of my home town, I walked straight passed the milkshakes and got myself a fruit smoothie, instead! I did it! I also ignored a custard pie. :O
23:10: Back home!
23:15: Teeth etc. washed, just not as hard as I used to. Time for youtube!
25th August
00:00: It’s very satisfying, watching the date on my computer change.
00:05: Beddy byes.
Ok! That was two and just a bit days for you! I have to be honest, as I don’t have a watch, I kind of guessed the times when in London, but I don’t think it matters. Unless I get accused of a serious crime and need an alibi. But what crime could that be? Let’s say impersonating a police officer and joyriding. Only joking. Bye!!!!!!