Yesterday, England played Slow-vakia at football! England versus another slow country? The former would surely win. It was explained that ‘England are ranked 5, and Slovakia are ranked 45’… Is that really what I heard the commentator say? It’s just Google says only 24 countries compete in the Euros! Slovakia must be worse than possible, imagine losing to them. Just like last time, I will now be writing in a way that suggests I’m watching the match as I type. Very clever, let’s go!
…
The match is about to start and the teams are singing the national anthems. What I don’t understand is, what’s with the children in front of the footballers all the time? Do they hope to be footballers too or are they picked at random? I honestly have no idea, they could be substitutes for all I know. I guess it’s time to mock the footballer’s names again. There’s a guy called Saka? Does he get people sacked? Hahaha. No, wait that’s a good thing. It suggests he’s the boss. I think he will score, multiple times, too.
The match has started!
2:39: The commentator said ‘The footballers have promised to be ruthless tonight’. Just a few seconds later, an England player got a yellow card! However, if he was really ruthless, he should have got a red and by that I mean a jail sentence. Not what I want to see, but either the commentator and athletes need to understand the English language or they’re psychopaths.
6:05: Saka nearly scored! Imagine if he did score, the goalie could get sacked…
There’s another England footballer called ‘Mainoo’. I think he will end up being the main one. If not, this whole name-personality trait theory will come crashing down.
8:50: England tried to score but the football I think flew into the crowd. It’s a great story for the guy getting hit, though.
10:28: The commentator said ‘Mainoo again’. It’s because he the main one, duh.
11:30 (roughly): ‘A challenge by Saka’. The person challenged by Saka didn’t get sacked? Wow, what a kind, first rate boss. Very refreshing! I’d sack him, it would make the football match so much easier. A lot more confusing, though. Would other footballers have special powers? If so, I’m wondering what.
God knows the time: Did Trippier get tripped over this time? Good, he needs to learn how to empathise. Not nice is it?
19-ish: Did someone just get attacked by a footballer called ‘Rice’. Rice attacking someone. More funny imagery for football!
20:02: Palindrome.
24:05: Chanted anthem sounded like more gibberish.
24:25: Great, Slovakia scored. I’m glad I missed that as I was typing. Slovakia may be feeling smug but I didn’t see a thing. A team almost twice as bad as possible are now beating England.
26:12: England fans are still chanting ‘England’!
27:28: On the plus side, England have had the ball in their possession the most. I think the referee should take that into consideration. Again, Saka should be able to sack people, etc. (Maybe he will).
Ah, so it was Schranz who scored earlier. I wonder what that name means. According to an online translator, nothing.
31:50-ish: Someone is ‘sitting on the bench’. I don’t know what was meant by that, as I wasn’t listening properly. It could be relevant to the match, maybe the commentator wants to think of happier/less disturbing topics. Still at least kind of irrelevant, though.
35:15: Did the commentator say three England players have got yellow cars? If so, I guess it is indeed ruthless.
40:04: Palindrome.
43:00: What was that about a poor execution? :S
45:16: Another yellow card, more ruthlessness. Not as bad as someone being executed, though.
46:40: Foden has a tattoo saying ’47’? If you’ve read my number meanings monologues, you will know that means ‘pointless luck’, i.e., he doesn’t need luck. I bet he’ll score.
Half time thoughts: England flag has red and white, Slovakia has red, white and blue. You know what I think is significant? The (calming) blue. Slovakians have a sense of calm that makes them thrive under pressure. THAT’S why they’re winning.
The commentator said ‘Would it shock you if there were no subs?’ I like Subway sandwiches too. I don’t know how it relates to football though. Then again, there are lots of questions I have.
I’ve just found out a commentator is called ‘Sam Matterface.’ I’m presuming one of his ancestors had a face that mattered. Maybe he was a model. A footballer is called Pickford. One of his ancestors must have chosen a car. God knows why that was significant.
48:02: Wow, the football can get kicked pretty fast. I looked at the leg of the person who kicked it and yeah, it was going as fast as the ball! Excellent physics. It would be weird if someone tapped the ball and it went flying…
49:20: England scored but it was offside. My word, about half the goals I’ve seen in the Euros have been disallowed! On the plus side, I missed the ‘goal’ because I was typing.
52:25: Commentator said ‘this is rice.’ Another funny image for football.
52:58: The guy simply said ‘Rice…’
53:53: Walker got tripped over. Not walking anymore.
56:20: ‘Rice’.
58:08: I love it when the commentator says ‘Rice’… I think there should be a rice subway. Nice taste, also something commentators should REALLY like.
62:10: ‘Rice looking for Kane’ this time. THAT’S a funny image.
77:36: ‘He’d be disappointed he didn’t get that on target.’ Oh the commentator’s a psychologist, too. He knows football, he knows sandwiches and rice, he knows what people are thinking. A man of many talents.
90:00: Commentator said five minutes are added, then he said six, but the message on screen said 5. Make your mind up!
91:40: NOW the screen says 6 minutes. Not a horrible screw up but at the same time, you’d think it would be easy to get right in the first place.
94:00: Is Toney playing for the last 2 minutes? At least a child wasn’t chosen as a substitute that really would be one of the weirdest things I’d ever seen.
94:00 ish: Bell in ham scored!!! He’s so much more than a funny image!
96:30: Slovakia looking kind of miffed…
Now there will be extra time!
90:53: England score again!!! I know the time looks like I was time travelling backwards somehow, I’m not, that’s just what the clock says. I’m happy Toney gets more football time. 2 minutes of play would most definitely be a letdown for him. -_-
93:50: Another replay of Kane scoring. I bet Slovakia don’t keep replaying it, they must HATE it.
100:50: The commentator said ‘England shouldn’t be here, they should be out’. Whether that means England have been lucky or for a world first, he wants the other side to win…
In the break, a commentator said a footballer is having problems with his calves. His cows??? I honestly never knew football could be so surreal!
111:11: What a number.
118:00: The players are ‘putting pressure on the ball’. Now it’s balls being harmed, this insane, absolutely insane.
Excellent England beat the impossibly bad team! Woo! That’s it, byeee!