It’s time for another Eurovision blog! Basically I’ll be commenting on the Youtube music videos again, and trying my best to make everyone look stupid, but THIS time, I will be interviewing all sorts of people to add interest. Not at all easy to organise, as some are on the run from the law. Don’t be scared though, as they are fictitious. Or are they?? No. They’re very real. Now let’s go!
First up is…
Albania!
A very interesting music video, here. A lost man stopping a car so he can hitch a ride, then staring through the car driver’s soul? Then the driver stares right back at him, picks him up and drives off? That’s going to be an awkward drive, if not deadly. I’m not sure what either person was thinking, maybe something like ‘screw you, let’s go’. Again, an interesting video.
Armenia
‘I might snap’ and ‘you might snap’? Why can’t people get along with each other nowadays? Still, this is an improvement on the last video. At least the snappers aren’t agreeing to share a car together. That was odd. However, in a way this tune is even more intense. Snapping one, two, three and four times, as the singer explains? You’re not in a fit state to drive! Can you take a bus maybe, if need be?
Australia
Unlike the last two examples, this guy is filled with POSITIVE emotions too much. A very mushy song. The strange mask he wears makes him look like he’s the tenth member of Slipknot though, which is one the worst musical ideas of all time. You know how the nu metal band dress in red? This dude dresses in black, which is arguably a more sinister cover. Yep, in a way, he’s the most brutal member of the band. A band famous for lyrics such as ‘AAAAARGHHHH!’ :S Just another reason Australia shouldn’t be part of Eurovision.
Austria
Only about 10% of the words are subtitled in this video, if only the video was 10% its size. :D Pown!
Azerbaijan
Another overemotional man dressed in black. You’re not REALLY thinking about joining Slipknot are you? Metal fans will think you’re mad and pop fans will think you’ve gone psycho. What I’m trying to say is that no one wins.
Here goes interview No. 1! VERY high profile… :O
Simon: Hello, Henry the Sneaky Salmon! You’re interviewee No. 1! Twisting things slightly, you’re a no one.
Henry: Was that supposed to be funny?
Simon: Sure.
Henry: Well I don’t see anyone laughing.
Simon: Of course. I apologise. I understand you’re on the run from the law after going on a massive crime spree…
Henry: No comment.
Simon: You’re defensive. Would say, some… salmon make you more sociable? I have some…
Henry: Is that a fact?
Simon: Yip.
Henry: How do you plan on sending it to me?
Simon: I’ll find a way…
Henry: Hm!
Simon: Anyway, what do you think of the Eurovision song contest?
Henry: A load of noise much of the time.
Simon: The rock music, you mean?
Henry: Exactly. I like the ballads, though. The more soppy the better. Sometimes I cry.
Simon: Really??
Henry: Yes, it’s all about letting loose. Really living in the moment.
Simon: I’m picturing you as more of a classical music fan…
Henry: I am partial to a bit of Mozart. But really I like Westlife and The Spice Girls.
Simon: The Spice Girls??
Henry: Are you mocking me?
Simon: I’m just surprised, that’s all…
Henry: Zigazig ah?
Simon: It’s meaningless…
Henry: No, no, it’s a new word. It means something cool and funky. That’s my interpretation, anyway. You can interpret in many ways, like poetry. What’s your understanding of the word?
Simon: I guess it could mean a kebab or something…
Henry: What I really really want is a kebab?
Simon: Not sure. Maybe. Anyway, do you have a favourite song in this year’s Eurovision?
(A voice in the background): Who are you talking to? Whoever he is, give him a hug from me!
Simon: Who was that?
Henry: That was my best friend of all time, Mr. Squeeze. I’m also with the SRK, but he’s a prick.
Simon: I see.
Henry: Anyway, I have to go now. Places to go, things to do. Good day.
Ok! Back to business!
Belgium
Another soft song, more people in black, the scariest colour. I have a theory about the misuse of colour: Did you know baby boys used to be dressed in pink and girls in blue? It’s true. Maybe that thought stuck in video maker’s mind too much, and now he doesn’t understand any colours anymore. Who knows? I have no idea whatsoever, so let’s move on. :S
Bulgaria
Sounds like AC/DC, their video just has the 11th Slipknot member chasing a poor woman. Why? Well, you know how the Illuminati are supposed to have hidden messages everywhere, maybe that’s what the nu metal band are trying to do. Who the hell do they think they are?
Croatia
A song by Mia Dimsic. Slipknot have a song called ‘Sic’. Another sign from the band? I think it’s sad, really.
Cyprus
I tried to find Slipknot references here, but I couldn’t no matter how hard I tried. The song is called ‘Andromache’ and that after much thought, appears to be a word meaning ‘Android paper mache’, so if you know how that relates to the band, you’re a bigger fan than I am.
Czech Republic
‘I’ve lost my soul, forgot my way.’ Starts off like a Slipknot song, but ‘Tried changing jobs, tried changing lovers, changing my furniture, change my bed covers’? I don’t think the metal band have ever being quite that dumb. You may be wondering why I keep bringing up the band. I think it’s important, because would you really want a group that sings about killing people sneakily finding their way into the media and subtly hinting their omnipresent? Maybe I’m paranoid.
Denmark
Minor criticism: If you’re already playing music and it continues in the same way it did before, you have no need to shout ‘One, two, three, four!’ It signals nothing. Ok, the countdown could prepare the band for a new section, but remembering such a countdown would take up just as much brainpower as what follows! Other than that, another rocking number!
Estonia
Estonia singer Stefan has Armenian parents and is singing in what LOOKS like the Spanish countryside. Random! If I’m wrong about Spain though, just ignore me. It’s not a 100% serious blog. (Though the Slipknot stuff sounds fairly convincing. They’re selfish, angry people).
Finland
Ah, a song by The Rasmus. I’ve heard of them! I even got one of their CDs from a charity shop. Don’t get too excited though, that does mean someone gave away one of your albums for nothing. Possibly out of kindness, but possibly to teach the band a lesson, passive-aggressively.
France
Spain in Estonia, now we have Arabia in France! In full colour, too! Many past contest videos were in black and white as I pointed out a while ago. I’m glad the new videographers now realise a lack of colour isn’t arty, it’s just relatively boring.
Another interview!
Simon: Hi, Mental. I don’t mean to alarm you, but I’ve just spoken to Henry the Sneaky Salmon and he’s with the SRK…
Mental: Where is he?
Simon: I have no idea…
Mental: I guess it doesn’t matter, CCTV is everywhere, it’s kind of hard to miss him. I just need to explain to security guards what they’re seeing is real!
Simon: A guy with a sausage roll tattooed an his the tip of his nose, and stealing fish with his gang does SOUND like a prank…
Mental: Exactly. What did you talk about?
Simon: Just weird stuff, basically. The Spice girls and how much he loves crying to soppy music or whatever…
Mental: Don’t you think there’s something… not quite right about him?
Simon: Couldn’t. Agree. Any. More.
Mental: For the sake of saving time, do you have ANY idea where he is? At all?
Simon: I said I’d send him some salmon, and when he asked how, I said I’d find a way…
Mental: That’s GREAT news! When he picks it up, I can arrest him!
Simon: Yes, but I was bluffing.
Mental: Oh.
Simon: Still though, at least that will annoy him.
Mental: :) Well, I better go. Got some policing to do, laters…
Simon: Thanks for your time!
Back to the contest!
Georgia
Prog! The lamest song so far, but surely the best. Mentally healthy people don’t dress like that, though there is someone in my street who dresses as a wizard, and if he has a job working with computers, I wouldn’t be at all surprised. So that’s something. But I guess if he took things further and tried casting spells on people, he would get fired.
Germany
A track called ‘Rockstars’. That’s a very misleading name. I mean the singer says ‘we used to be the rockstars’ but as he doesn’t know what the genre is, it’s hard to take him seriously.
Greece
I’ve complained about the overt and sometimes subtle Slipknot references in other songs, but this song in particular could do with some metalling up. Horrible song. On the plus side, not in black and white.
Iceland
Three singers! One for singing, two for screaming? If only. Another song that could do with Slip treatment.
Ireland
‘Stop sending flowers, I’ll just burn them all, you’ll cry for hours.’ Brutal lyrics. Like Slipknot-lite. Some very short video descriptions lately, so here’s a joke to beef things up…
What did Chris De burgh sing when he was widowed? Lady is dead.
Isreal
‘I’m shameless and I’m flawless’ doesn’t make sense as a lyric, but a fun song. I almost like this one. 90s. Like Slipk… No, Simon, no!
Moldova
Some songs (or rather most songs) are too girly, this song is WAY too cheerful. Why can’t acts get things right in Eurovision? In a way I want the video to be in black and white, just to create a sense of depression.
Montenegro
‘You better breathe, the air is what they need, the air is what they breathe.’ Oh I get it. The excessive cheerfulness… The blatant obviousness… This is an educational show for toddlers, isn’t it? What will you sing next? The music is what you hear? The sick is what you feel???
Interview time!
Simon: Hi, egg. Have you found any acting work since I wrote a short story about you?
The Dominant Egg: Just adverts, extra work and that kind of stuff…
Simon: Can you be more precise?
Egg: I played a prison guard in an action film and I was the narrator in bank advert.
Simon: Will that lead onto bigger things?
Egg: I hope so. I’d love to play a James Bond-like figure…
Simon: You seem like the kind of egg that’s cool and likes excitement…
Egg: Thanks, man.
Simon: You know what I think you should do?
Egg: What?
Simon: Work as hard as possible. If someone wants you to play a pirate, do it. If someone wants you to play a schizophrenic tramp, do it.
Egg: That’s good advice…
Simon: On a lighter note, do you have any hobbies?
Egg: Fishing.
Simon: And what do you think of the Eurovision song contest?
Egg: I like the soppy songs…
Simon: You too?
Egg: What’s that supposed to mean?
Simon: Oh you don’t want to know… Why do you like them?
Egg: I like letting loose…
Simon: Ahem.
Egg: What?
Simon: You just remind me of someone, that’s all. I think I’ll go. And good luck! I’ll put a word in for you! I’ll say you can play super villains, too.
Egg: Bye…
Contest!
Netherlands
‘Tadada dadadadada dada dadadadadada. Tadada dadadadada dada. Oeh aha.’ In a way I prefer the last song’s lyrics.
North Macedonia
The singer complains about running in circles, but if you do that you get exercise AND won’t get lost. :O
Norway
Before that wolf eats my grandma, give that wolf a banana? Is that to stop the wolf being hungry or to reward the wolf?? In either case, strange lyrics. And you know what? People dressing up as bananas is pretty strange, too.
Poland
‘Carry me away, I float away?’ No need to carry you, that’s the whole point of floating.
Portugal
Five singers, this time? Plenty of opportunity to shout, but I guess that wasn’t part of their musical vision. They clap as well, but only in the climax of the song. Very well judged.
Romania
Some of this one sounds like gibberish, actually it’s Spanish. I’m glad I spotted that, or I could have looked foolish. Wait, is ‘Tadada dadadadada dada dadadadadada. Tadada dadadadada dada. Oeh aha’ some kind of strange language? Maybe it means ‘ta (as in thank you), dad.’ Very sweet.
San Marino
Another rocker that isn’t particularly good. According to the foreign subtitles, I think the singer is calling SOMEONE stupid. Who? Maybe it’s himself. If so, very honest. Profound, even. Well done.
Serbia
‘Let me breathe’??? Is someone from Montenegro hogging all the air for himself?? And I thought the song was random… -_-
Slovenia
My favourite song so far! For that reason, let’s not call it stupid. The singer’s voice is a bit harsh, though. He should join a heavier band (maybe Slipknot for example) or have a cough sweet.
Last interview!
Simon: Hello, James! Would you like to take this opportunity to explain how you and I are not the same person?
James: Why not create some mystery?
Simon: Errrr….
James: You don’t want to be associated with me?
Simon: Ummm…
James: I knew it!
Simon: What do you think of the Eurovision song contest?
James: I like the mushy songs…
Simon: AAARGGHHH!!!!
James: What???
Simon: Take that back, right now!
James: I was joking though, I like the rockers…
Simon: Thank you!!!!
James: Why’s that such a big deal? You must have some pretty strong views on ballads???
Simon: Never mind.
James: You’re weird.
Simon: Why haven’t you made a podcast in a while?
James: I will do. It’s just there’s this egg who’s trying to replace me. I have to deal with that stuff, first.
Simon: No way…
James: Yep.
Simon: Maybe you could work together…
James: Maybe. But the egg’s really desperate and is willing to do anything to get as much power as possible… They call him the dominant egg…
Simon: Believe it or not, I’ve just chatted with him and…
James: No way…
Simon: … and he’s actually very likeable. You have nothing to fear, I’m sure.
James: Ok. I’ll think about working with him.
Simon: An excellent end to an interview! Thanks!
James: Bye…
Back to biznis!
Spain
‘Don’t be confused, and don’t be confused’. Paradoxically, the lyric alone doesn’t make sense. You can find it at 2:27 if you don’t believe me. Well worth checking out.
Sweden
‘No need to apologise’… What did I do?? ‘Cuz there’s nothing to regret’… I see… ‘Well this is not what I wanted’… What isn’t? ‘Coz all good things come to and end, so bye bye’… Bye… You nut job. Not a good way to start a song.
Switzerland
‘Mountains may crumble and rivers run dry and boys do cry.’ Well, I can’t remember the last time a mountain crumbled, so basically you’re saying boys hardly ever cry. And if you’re doing that, what’s your point? It’s just an observation, not an idea for a song.
Ukraine
Great song…
UK
I remember thinking like this person when I had schizophrenia.
OK! That’s all this month’s videos reviewed! There were no black and white videos which is good, but almost all songs sucked. Get your priorities straight as on the day, promotional videos not only don’t matter, but don’t get played. About Henry and his gang, I can only pray they get stopped ASAP. And I’m not sending you any fish, you can screw yourselves. BYE!