Wow, it’s been seven Eurovision blogs now? To celebrate, let’s do something different. You know how countries start with letters, such as ‘A’ for Albania? Of course you do. Are there countries in the contest for every letter of the alphabet? There are not. Where am I going with this? Let’s note the first letters of countries not featuring in the event. For example, there is no H for Holland because for whatever reason Holland and The Netherlands are the same thing. So, we have no H, then we have no J, K, O, Q, T, V, W, X, Y, Z. Well that was pointless wasn’t it? I really was hoping it would spell a word or at least be an acronym. Never mind, let’s get reviewing the live performances/official videos of the entrants!
Albania
A song by Albina & Familja. So that’s Albina from Albania. I’m hoping she doesn’t win because if she does, what if the power gets to her head and she tries to get Albania changed to her name? It’s just a small step isn’t it? And then what happens? She becomes the most full of herself person imaginable. Fimija (I’m assuming that means ‘Familiar’) on the other hand seems like a modest person who doesn’t feel special. Good for him. Or her. I of course DO feel special, but in a negative way.
Armenia
Wow the singer carelessly lays in blue-green smoke? You know what I think of when I see smoke of that colour? Poison. I hate for there to be another play on words, but that would be harm-enia.
Australia
Ok, so Australia is part of Europe now? It really was that simple? If that’s possible, then it’s possible for Mars to be part of Earth and no one has to spend billions of pounds making rockets to get there. Sorted, just like that. Anyway, the song. It appears the singer is walking on water. You thought Albina was arrogant? This guy thinks he’s Jesus or he’s at least high. Nice chuggy guitars though!
Austria
Austria sounds like Australia. I think that’s where the confusion is. I think a Eurovision boss confused the latter country with a European one and is too pigheaded to admit that he’s made a mistake. Austria’s song is called ‘Who The Hell Is Edgar?’ If you don’t know, ask. Certainly don’t write about a song about your confusion, it makes you look foolish. I’m starting to see what kind of contest this is now.
Azerbaijan
A song called ’Tell Me More’? Let me join in. So, after watching your video is seems you should get a hair cut, the musical notation shown doesn’t make sense, you jumped right in the middle of a road without checking for traffic, etc. etc.
Belgium
This song has a very 90s feel. Music was just better than, and by that logic this song should win. Would you believe I checked the comments section of the song and someone else said it sounded 90s? If I was right then, I think I was also right about the song winning. Having said that, get with the times! >:(
Croatia
After that perhaps chilling change of character, we move onto Croatia’s song. It’s like a more military version of the YMCA. I was really scared… I’m genuinely not exaggerating when I say watching this live performance was one of the strangest things I’ve ever seen on TV. Maybe the lyrics explain everything, but if you can’t speak Croatian, you’ll likely feel like me. Puzzled. Especially when the missiles get pointed at the audience. Most performers try and make a connection with their fans.
Cyprus
The lyrics go ‘you can’t break a broken heart’ which is fair enough although self-evident, but the song is called ‘Break a Broken Heart’ which has a completely different meaning. It’s not as aggressive as blowing up your audience, but it is cruel.
Simon: For a nice break, we have the Dominant Egg here giving an interview!
DE: Thank you for having me.
Simon: So… what have you been up to? It’s been a while!
DE: I’ve been going through a long period of depression lately.
Simon: Really? I’m very sad to hear that. Why? Please keep it light, this is a special event.
DE: Many of my friends have been put into cakes and eaten.
Simon: No way.
DE: It’s true.
Simon: You must keep yourself busy. Be positive.
DE: I try. I’ve advertised a special toothpaste that claims to repair your teeth and maybe it does, but sometimes I wonder what the point is.
Simon: Oh no no no.
DE: Afraid so.
Simon: The advert wouldn’t lie. It would be against the law…
DE: I guess… I guess that’s something…
Simon: Oh it really is. I for one have experienced the pain of sensitive teeth, but with Sooperdoopacleen my problems are history.
DE: That’s who I was advertising…
Simon: You’re a hero in the dental community, believe me.
DE: Yeah? Well so what?
Simon: Wow… Want to hear a joke? It’s very funny.
DE: Go on then.
Simon: What actor keeps a small amount of insects? David Ten Ants.
DE: That’s pretty good actually…
Simon: Thanks! I was planning on adding it to my site later, but this is a special situation.
DE: I know David Tennant…
Simon: Nice guy?
DE: I saw him eating an omelette.
Simon: … I don’t know what to say…
DE: Then he looked at me and said ‘you’re next’.
Simon: Is that true?
DE: He didn’t say that, but that’s what he was thinking.
Simon: I’m sure you’re being paranoid. Look. Take a short break, hang around here for a while as I watch more Eurovision videos and comment on them, it will be good for you.
DE: Well… ok.
Czechia
Simon: Ok Egg, check this video out. Just press play and here we go… Ok, it’s playing.
Egg: What are your thoughts then?
Simon: Hahaha, someone got lipstick all over her face! Great stuff. From blowing up your audience to amusing makeup mishaps? THAT’S what Eurovision is about. Not violence.
Denmark
Simon: A song called ‘Breaking My Heart’? An unbelievably uncreative name for a song, it’s basically been done just a few sentences ago! :S This guy needs a haircut too.
Egg: Hippie.
Simon: I wouldn’t knock hippies, many of them are vegetarians.
Egg: Vegetarians eat eggs though…
Simon: Eggs are vegetables?
Egg: No.
Simon: I don’t understand…
Egg. Neither do I!
Simon: Is it vegans that don’t eat eggs?
Egg: I think so…
Simon: Great guys. But plants still hate them.
Egg: I eat plants too. Well my parents did…
Simon: And that’s fine! Like the song?
Egg: Meh.
Simon: Look, just take it easy, let me do the commenting, ok?
Egg: :)
Estonia
The singer ‘sees herself building a world of bridges’? A WORLD of them? That’s a lot. Yes there would be less traffic, but cuts to education, the police, hospitals etc. etc. to fund the project? Seems a bit mad.
Finland
A really angry techno song that turns into children’s music? In a way I’m reminded of Korn’s super heavy song that goes ‘RING AROUND THE ROSIE!!! >:)’ etc. So sorry Finland, try harder. I’m just saying, when people take ideas from other people, usually those ideas are original/good. :(
France
‘This girl that I was will never be the same’? Well yeah, girls change and grow up to be women. An educational song for children it seems. At least it doesn’t have an ill-judged super angry section.
David Tennant: I didn’t threaten the egg by the way.
Simon: Where did you come from??
Egg: Lies!
DT: It was a misunderstanding, that’s all…
Egg: What happened then?
DT: When I looked at you like ‘you’re next’? I meant your next to be filmed!
Simon: Ahhhhhh… All ok!
DT: Yes!
Simon: You’re really David Tennant?
DT: Yes!
Simon: The Doctor Who actor?
DT: No…
Simon: Oh. Who then?
DT: I star in an obscure film called ‘The Ant Keeper’. I was chosen just because of my name. Like you hinted at earlier, lots of people say I keep ten ants. But it’s not true. Well NOW it is, but it wasn’t before.
Simon: I can only imagine the hell you’re going through. So many puns, so often?
DT: It’s relentless.
Simon: What’s The Ant Keeper?
DT: Just a film about ten ants. In the end the ants die and the keeper is sad. It’s very moving.
Simon: Sounds like you’re onto a hit…
DT: Yes, that’s what people are saying.
Simon: Hang on… you ate an omelette though?
Egg: I’d love to hear you get out of this one…
DT: I was eating a regular pastry dish. No egg. You may have HEARD me ordering an omelette, actually I asked for a bomblet. i.e. a small bomb. Because we were making an action film.
Simon: There you go, egg. You should be pleased you’re part of something so exciting!
Egg: I guess.
Simon: Well I’m glad that’s all cleared up. Want to hang around as I review more songs, Dave?
DT: Sure!
Simon: Great!
Georgia
‘It is not a secret’? Of course it’s not a secret you’ve just sung it a load of times. If you get through to the finals it will be even less of a secret and if you win?? It could barely be less of a secret. Dumb song.
Germany
‘We’re so happy we could die’. What does that even mean? Like ‘wow, we’ve just won the lottery, this is the best day of my life, so let’s jump off a cliff!’ I don’t understand. Secondly, the guy saying it sounds depressed, it make no sense. If I was Rammstein I’d sue, because these guys sound exactly like them, they’re lyrics have just been made more stupid.
Greece
If you’re going through such a tough time, why are you sitting getting drenched in the rain? You’re making things worse. I can’t even begin to imagine why you dragged your sofa outside to get soaked, as well. You know what I’d do? Lay in bed for a while, get some pizza. Don’t bring your bed outside, stay warm and dry!
Iceland
Let’s try and work out what these lyrics mean. Right, ‘Ready to let you go, won’t hold you back no more’. Seems fair enough so far. ‘Go on spread your wings and fly away.’ A song about a pigeon, maybe? ‘Been carrying you way too long like an obsession’. A pigeon the singer feels unusually close to? ‘I thought you were a living part of me?’ Ah. A crazy person. ‘But I got my power in my hand. ‘A megalomaniac too? This song’s scary.
Ireland
‘We take our first breath and then we exhale, then we give it all we’ve got until we fail’? Let’s analyse that. If they take their first breath, it means they have just been born. Crazy enough, but for them to give it all they’ve got? They are some conscientious babies. If you look at the video, they’re very tall for babies, but they wear masks so you can’t see their faces. I get that. Seeing the face of a baby on what seems to be a man? Creepy.
Isreal
‘It’s gonna be ‘phenomen-phenomen-phenomenal. Feminine-feminine-femininal’? She’s just made up a new word, femininal, a cross between phenomenal and feminine! You know what? I think it makes sense. At least the word was given some kind of explanation. Judas Priest once made up a word out of the blue called ‘Desolisating’. To this day, no one can figure out what it means.
Italy
I used an online translator to understand the title at least. Due vite = Two lives. I could have translated the lyrics but I couldn’t be bothered. The tone of the song is very mushy, so I’m imagining lyrics like ‘I love you two lives’. Dumb lyrics? Well it’s been worse hasn’t it? Next!
Latvia
Simon: A song called ’Sudden Lights’? I have no idea what to say about it, I need a break…
DT: All lights are sudden.
Simon: What do you mean?
DT: All light travels at millions of miles an hour. The song should be called ‘Lights’ for the sake of snappiness.
Egg: Actually, light can be slowed right down to about 38 mph by scientists. So not ALL light is sudden. Still fast-ish though.
Simon: The Egg’s got you there.
Egg: I really have.
DT: So the song should be called ‘Light Not Altered By Scientists?’
Egg: Sudden Lights will do.
DT: Fair point. A decent title. Sorry about the omelette confusion, by the way.
Egg: It’s ok. But you can understand how upsetting it was.
DT: I’m so sorry. You know what I really like to eat?
Egg: What?
DT: Seeds, just like your parents.
Egg: Really?
DT: Oh yes. Can’t beat a good seed or two.
Egg: Exactly!
DT: Mm-hm. We’re the same!
Simon: Inspiring stuff, ok next song!
Lithuania
‘Finally my heart is beating’. Evidently another song by a newborn. Actually I’ll take things further and say the singer or at least songwriter is still in the womb. What, he or she has made it to an adult just fine without a pulse? Of course not. Don’t get me wrong, it’s hard to understand a foetus writing a song too, but it’s still less weird.
Malta
If you thought those two songs written/performed by babies wasn’t enough, THIS song makes things completely obvious and has the lead singer dressed as a baby. Conspiracy freaks will be going ape I’m sure, but what the conspiracy is? I can’t even begin to speculate.
Moldova
‘Dense leaf forest, I think I’ve found my bride’? Please don’t say it’s a tree. ‘River Nistru with pristine water I got lost’ yes, me too! ‘… and it’s only her fault’. Who’s fault, the tree’s? ‘I sang her so many songs until she wanted to kiss me’. A tree?? Yes or no?? ‘I sang to her, I danced with her, I pampered her in all sorts of ways’. A tree???? Who???? ‘The sun, the sun, the sun and the moon.’ I’m sorry, this song’s just too weird for me.
Netherlands
Simon: Oh I don’t know what to say about this one either. Any help David or Dominant Egg?
DT: What’s it called?
Simon: ‘Burning Daylight’.
DT: You have a problem commenting on songs about light?
Simon: Apparently.
DT: Why do you think that is?
Simon: I have no idea.
Egg: How would you react if someone shone a light in your face?
Simon: I… I don’t know…
Egg: Would you know what to say?
Simon: I guess not…
Egg: Fascinating.
(A phone rings)
Caller: Hello, it’s James! I heard you’re making a Eurovision blog! Mind if I help?
Simon: Not this moron…
James: Yes!
Simon: This is a serious blog featuring serious people. We have no need for your… your…
James: Yes?
Simon: Mentalness.
James: I’m sorry?
Simon: This is a family friendly blog. You’re not family friendly.
James: I’ll make it family friendly. The Netherlands sounds very much like Never Never Land.
Simon: And?
James: Peter Pan!
DT: He’s got you there.
Simon: Fine. James was being family friendly. But now he’s going to say ‘wibble bibble’ or something else crazy.
James: Lies!
Simon: Go on then, keep being family friendly.
James: Actually saying ‘wibble bibble’ is my idea of family friendliness. It just sounds funny.
Simon: It’s not funny, coming from you it sounds like some kind of threat. Are you going to crash my car now, like you did with Dan’s?
James: Yes.
Simon: God dammit. I’ve hung up.
Egg: Good move.
Norway
If you thought the previous made up word was weird, check out this one: Laidadadilaida! These rest of the lyrics are hard to decipher too and I quote: ‘Lai la la lai la lai la la lai la lai la la lai la lai la la la ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhhhh!’ Judging by the real words, I’m assuming the song is about an ancient warrior queen who dominates the world. (It is technically possible she’s a modern warrior queen, but it would be next to impossible for her to conquer seas in this day and age). The performance is weird, too. It’s like the people brainstorming ideas said ‘You know what’s really ancient, royal and warrior-like? Glow sticks.’ There were loads of them.
Poland
There are some really angry comments about this song on Youtube. If a lot of people are saying things like it’s ‘scandalous’ and the product of ‘corruption’ etc., you can safely assume it’s not very good. How can a song make people so angry? In comparison, say I did a doodle and people said it will go down as one of the worst drawings in history and that people were horrified. Hard to imagine, no?
Portugal
Another song about hearts! The lyrics go ‘oh heart that won’t let me be’ immediately! They’re the first words that get said!
(A phone rings)
Simon: James?
James: Yes!
Simon: What??
James: Maybe it’s not about a heart, maybe the lyrics are really abstract…
Simon: I’ll use online translator to decode the song title, Ai Coracao…
James: What’s it mean?
Simon: ‘Oh heart’.
James: Ah. Maybe the title’s abstract.
Simon: Next song!
Romania
There are no subtitles and the song is in a foreign language. But I bet it’s about hearts, too. At the end of the video, the singer reveals a shirt saying ‘make love not war’. Is the message supposed to be some kind of surprise? Is it supposed to be really really unique and profound? If so, you have failed. At least put the phrase into your own words. Maybe ‘build love, don’t fight’? It is something.
San Morino
Simon: A song by Piqued Jacks. If he wins, he will reach his peak. Peaked Jacks.
Egg: Groan.
DT: :(
Simon: What??
DT: That was awful.
Simon: I don’t know what to say, it’s just another love song, this time about smelling people on the dance floor or something like that.
Egg: Come again?
Simon: That’s what he said, don’t shoot the messenger.
Egg: I want to smell people on the dance floor.
Simon: Do you?
Egg: Yeah, good song.
Simon: I’m not saying it’s not a good song, it’s just a bit different to the pop music I grew up listening to, that’s all. Oh next song…
Serbia
You know the song that went ‘Make love not war’? This song genuinely seems to be saying the opposite. ‘I just want to sleep forever while the world is burning’? Then it goes ‘Hello, game over’. Wow, it’s just got worse. Maybe the lyrics were being ironic, let’s Google the song title ‘Samo Mi Se Spava’ to find out what it means…. ‘I’m just sleepy?…’ Dear God no. Imagine someone in court saying they killed a load of people and when asked why, he said ‘Well… I was just sleepy!’ You’re going to jail!
Slovenia
The only words the subtitles came up with for me at least were ‘perdite shop’. That’s Italian for ‘losses shop’. Do Slovenians speak Italian? And if they do, do they have special Italian losses shops? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN????? I’m just saying, in ALL of the shops I’ve been to, I’ve actually gained things. No wait, you can donate things to charity shops and ‘lose’ them. I’ve never heard a charity shop being called a losses shop, though. :S
Spain
A song called ‘eaea’ that keeps going ‘eaea…’ That wouldn’t be so bad, but I think rather than ‘eaea’ being a word, I think it’s just a noise. Unless it means ‘The European Association for the Education of Adults’… Online translator says the word has been made up, so it must mean the educational organisation. You know what? I think that’s positive, so let’s hope it wins.
Sweden
Ah, a love song without mentioning the word ‘heart’. Inspiring stuff. I also like the way the singer doesn’t want the world to burn. You can’t say such things in Eurovision, even if you don’t mean it. How would you feel if I said I wanted Earth to be in flames as I gave a speech millions and millions would see, even if I meant it as a joke? It’s just not appropriate.
Switzerland
A song by Remo Ferrero Rocher. Well Remo Forrer, at least. Close enough. Great song, great chocolate, great message.
Ukraine
Thumbs up for you of course.
United Kingdom
And an anti-love song from the UK. Hopefully that’s not giving a negative impression to the rest of the world but again, Serbia seem far more concerned with hate and sleeping. Sort yourselves out.
Egg: All done?
Simon: Yes! How are you feeling now? Part of a special event?
Egg: I guess maybe.
Simon: Great! Exciting stuff.
DT: Yes very. Time to go back to my own projects, I guess…
Simon: Yes, good luck with your ants film. I’m sure it will be very very sad. But in a good way.
DT: :)
Egg: Byeee…
Simon: Talk soon! Bye!